CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News Staff Counselor Andy Killinger was arrested by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police yesterday and charged with multiple felonies, high crimes and misdemeanors. The arresting constable, Sgt. Preston, was heard to say, “We’ve got his notorious ass good and legal now. He’s always been able to elude justice, but no longer.”
Mr. Killinger has been charged with shooting a moose out of season, possessing a prohibited weapon (a Bofors 40 mm autocannon) used to shoot said moose, spitting on the sidewalk, spitting on the Quebec flag, eating poutine with mayonnaise instead of gravy, blowing up 27 beaver dams and leering at Sophie Trudeau.
Mr. Killinger has been arrested on numerous occasions but no charges have ever stuck. Evidence and witnesses seemed to disappear as if by magic. This time, says the RCMP, all evidence is on video and safely stored offline where Killinger’s Black Hat hacking associates can’t get to it. Or so they say. Andy’s lawyer, Hubert Scheister of Dewey Cheatham & Howe, denounced the arrest as a political move by the New Democratic Party or maybe the Cuban Communist Party. He claimed, “The Crown couldn’t make these charges stick with a gallon of Gorilla Glue! We’ll fight until he is acquitted or runs out of money, whichever comes first.”
When he was removed from the 2P News offices in handcuffs, he was approached by a small boy who said, “Say it ain’t so, Andy!” He replied, “It ain’t, you little asshole.” The child retreated in tears. His bail has been set at $42 billion. Unless he can make bail, he will be confined to the backseat of a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle parked outside of the courthouse until his trial, estimated to be sometime in 2024. If convicted, he faces up to 37 days of listening to Justin Bieber recordings.