anti-pipeline protesters

CALGARY, Alberta – At today’s pro-pipeline rally held at Calgary’s Stampede Park just outside of the Global Petroleum Show, the keynote speaker was easily able to bewilder anti-pipeline protesters to root for pro-oil causes by introducing the term anti-anti-pipeline protester supporter. Midway through the rally, Jarny Cumminslow, the rally’s chief organizer, took the to public address system to define the new term.

“What the world needs more of is Canadian oil and for that we need more pipelines! We need to get anti-pipeline protesters out of the way so that we can make progress!” said Mr. Cumminslow to massive applause to over 4,000 estimated to be in attendance. He continued, “Who here supports pipelines?” The crowd, comprising mostly well-dressed downtown Calgary-based oil and gas professionals, cheered and clapped. “What about anti-pipeline protesters?” the organizer screamed to a chorus of boos. “What we need to do is get the anti-anti-pipeline protester supporters to join the cause and share the good word,” which drew small, but growing, cheers and confused looks from the plaid shirt donning, sandal wearing, man-bun sportin, vegan types.

2P News reporter Rodecker Smith interviewed a pretty revved up member of the hipster  subculture who appeared to be ready to protest the protest.


“I almost squirted the organic ketchup from my Beyond Meat vegan burger onto my Birkenstocks and wool socks when I heard that part about the anti-anti-pipeline protester supporters… because that really hits home with me, man. It resonates pretty deep, because that’s why I’m here today – to protest the supporters of the anti-anti-pipeline gig. Hold my reclaimed water bottle and unicycle while I join others in the anti-anti-pipeline protester supporter movement that was just created, like 3 minutes ago, man. AAPPS all the way, maaaan, AAPPS till the day I die!” – Idony Unicarus, area hipster

A crowd of anti-anti-pipeline protester supporters formed within the larger group of pro-pipeline activists where they sparked up some meaningful conversations about the environment.

According to passersby, members of the AAPPS movement were pleased to be supporting protesters who were not aligned with anti-pipeline ideologies. Moon Fairy Sunchild from the Pembina Cardium Institute, was overheard as saying, “You know, it’s one thing to be anti-pipeline, as we always have been. But when you support those who are fighting for protesting the anti-pipeline anti-cause, and you support their protests of for anti-anti-big oil hypocrisy, then you are doing something very special for Mother Earth. So we’re good over here.”

It was at this point that the pro-oil, pro-pipeline folks were easily able to corral the group of AAPPS folk and lure them onto a school bus where they were taken to Prince’s Island Park to partake in the 2019 Oil and Grass Exposition and Fair.


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