CALGARY, Alberta – The Calgary Police Department locked down and evacuated Calgary’s downtown core yesterday in response to what appeared to be random attacks during the rush at the end of the business day. CPD also initiated hold and secure operations on 3 prominent downtown high-rise office towers.
The incidents started at around 2:45 pm on Thursday afternoon and ended in the early evening.
According to police reports, at approximately 3:00 pm the first attack was observed and reported as a window was smashed out of a car on the 300 block of 5th Ave SW, followed shortly by another car, and a mysterious shopping cart nearby. Minutes later, reports began to pour into the city’s 911 dispatch center with callers providing much the same description as previous callers. Calgary Police responded to the calls en mass, sending every available unit to deal with the downtown crisis.
When officers arrived at the scenes of the reports, they began to come under fire and immediately called the tactical response unit to assist with the ongoing crisis, and then began to evacuate all civilians in the areas to safety either inside tunnels or in parkades. The situation began to turn however, when officers found a Titlist golf ball lodged in the windshield of a car at the site of one incident. Shortly thereafter, officers discovered many hundreds of golf balls were along the roadways and on the C-Train tracks on 7th Ave.
“I’ve been in law enforcement for 37 years and I’ve never seen anything like this. There were balls flying everywhere I looked, hitting me in the face – one even got me in the crotch area. It was basically a category 5 white ball storm around me as I investigated the initial scene on 5th Avenue,” commented Staff Sargent Lequan, a veteran who has been with CPD for 19 years.
While investigating, the tactical response unit observed several projectiles leaving the roof of the Bankers Hall building complex prompting them to storm the building and call for helicopter backup. Upon arrival at the rooftop access doors, they heard several men laughing and discussing golfing techniques. Officers bull-rushed the roof and placed 8 men, and 7 women into custody, all apparently intoxicated, all laughing, and all keeping score.
According to sources close to the incident, the 15 individuals arrested were apparently laid off from Cheaterson Oils Canadian office that morning, and decided to have a small going away party on the roof. When 3 of the them arrived with golf clubs and a tens of buckets of balls from vendors, the games began. Individuals in the group were challenging each other at targets chosen by the others, not realizing that there were other people and properties below.
The group included of one of the now defunct Cheaterson Strategy groups tasked with a small Alberta oil and gas fairway known as Sneaky River, a predominantly useless light oil play that is now has 99.9999% water cut and high in sour gas. Cheaterson had recently divested the play to EnerMinus, a company with less than a stellar track record in these types of low-recovery plays. Several engineers, geologists, and a landman were among the golf-terrorists, as well as 2 accountants, and a mid-level manager who had already passed out by the time police arrived on the scene.
While no one was injured during the onslaught, several thousands of dollars in damage was incurred as the group engaged in longest drive and highest chip competitions. All involved have been charged with aggravated golfing with intent to harm, drunk on an elevated rooftop, and conduct unbecoming of a professional. All persons that held APEGA memberships are now under scrutiny from the association, but it remains to be seen if they will be stripped of their designations.