NORTH POLE, Earth – 2P News recently had the unfortunate fortune to take part in an exclusive press release held in the Arctic Circle. Lars Noel, of Giphts Inc., has announced today that Christmas has been cancelled in the wake of the climate crisis. The cancellation comes after several world leaders, activists, and indeed children of many countries have written letters to Santa Claus asking for one thing, and that is the categorical cancellation of Christmas due to carbon emissions.
“It seems that the world has voted with their letters and we will listen. We have cancelled Christmas going forward into our 2025 projections and this unfortunately means that we will be laying off the majority of our skilled workforce starting next week. We simply cannot ignore letters written in the tears of true believers, their letters stained with the guilt of the dead trees on which they were written. While sometimes Greta was harsh, and Justin was illegible, we got the message. Cancelling Christmas will save the planet.” – Lars Noel, V.P.G. Ed.
The basic theme of the tens of thousands of letters received by Lars Noel is that Christmas is a significant CO2 emitter and as such must be curtailed. Cutting down Christmas trees reduces forests’ ability to deal with carbon dioxide, but plastic fake trees are made from petroleum. Holiday travel is one of the largest emitters of vehicular carbon this time of year, and northern latitudes also require vehicle heaters which lowers fuel efficiency and results in, you guessed it, higher CO2 emissions. Petrochemical-based snow shovels and toboggans are equally to blame, as are Elves on Shelves with their byproduct faces, and endless rolls of forest-death used to camouflage the useless junk that we all think we need.
In attendance this morning was Jergen Handsope, a Swedish event planner and vlogger known for outrageous lighting displays. While deflated and sullen, he managed to bottle his tears and take the podium in response to the news.
“I guess they are all right, and while it breaks my heart to admit it, I have played a part in our dear planet’s CO2 death spiral. My brilliant and beautiful lighting displays use an immense amount of energy that is still largely produced from coal and hydrocarbons, and even the lights and cords themselves are a product of polyethylene. I regret to say I will be terminating my joyous celebrations now, after realizing my impact on the world, and my heart weeps for the futures that I have stolen from the children of today… ***weep***” – Jergen Handsope, event planner
We here at 2P are not only saddened at the news of a cancelled international holiday, but also slightly concerned about how we get home now since all planes were grounded when the fuel tanks at the North Pole were shut-in and locked out the moment the announcement was made. We will endeavor to bring more news on this cancellation as we return to the epicenter of the planet’s climate problem, and figurative Ground Zero for the end – Calgary, Alberta, Canada.