DRESDEN, Lower Saxony – Researchers from the Farheim University of Cognitive Knowledge have discovered how engineers who are particularly awkward in social settings can outwit their circumstances by making situations excessively awkward before a social event. These findings are important for the socio-psychological development of students looking to enter the engineering profession or even for those who have already graduated and are engineers-in-training. All hope is lost in reforming any professional engineer with at least 10 years experience.

Lead researcher Professor Idu Peonmaknuts explains that the rise in favourable sociable instincts and practices for younger people looking to enter engineering professions are important for the development of society in general seeing as the work of engineers is so intimately woven into the fabric of so many facets of human life.

Dr. Peonmaknuts, lead researcher

“You see, engineers are the most intelligent biological entities on the planet and are critically important because their innovating thinking solves problems and creates new designs that benefit all of humanity. BUT – and that’s a very big but – they struggle significantly in the very simple task of interacting with other humans, especially those who are non-technical. It is more than fair to say that engineers are socially retarded and emotionally inept. But now that my team’s work has finally identified their methods of avoiding people, we can work on treatments to improve situations for them and any unfortunate souls who currently have to deal with them,” Dr. Peonmaknuts told 2P News’ medical correspondent Will Tickle.

In the study published today in the Journal of Human Interactory Sciences, the team at F.U.C.K. identified a number of methods used by engineers to avoid or minimize social interactions. They have shared the list of methods and their remedies with 2P News and allowed us to publish it.

Method: Engineer simply turns around and walks away from a conversation without notice, while the person speaking to him or her is in mid-sentence.
Remedy: A special neck brace and head apparatus equipped with an optical tracking sensor that forces the engineer’s head to follow the person speaking to him or her. This device is coupled with special rare-earth magneto boots that does not allow them to move until a conversation is officially finished.

Method: Deliberate excessive body odour often times exacerbated by a special move called the continuous incidental arm-flap that is initiated in close quarters.
Remedy: A $2 deodorant stick and a promise from the subject to use it daily.

Method: Excessive use of words starting with the letter h just after consuming a fresh onion, garlic, and cigarette butt sandwich.
Remedy: Chewing gum that is made of 75% activated charcoal designed to soak up the funk before it has a chance to exit the enigneer’s cakehole.

PhD student in the F.U.C.K.’s Department of Enginobiology and second author of the study, Robert G. Aycock, says it made the researchers question how engineers have made it this far in society before these discoveries.

“When engineers are put into social environments, they get scared and typically panic to the point that their analytical capabilities and productivity levels suffer which can render them technically useless. For these reasons, we have deduced that everything they have accomplished since 781 B.C. have been while they are in the company of other engineers. So imagine where they can take things when they actually approach people other than go our of their way to avoid them?!” Mr. Robert G. Aycock told 2P.

Despite this 3-year study that included four hundred and twenty 2nd year students from the school’s Mechanical Engineering department, F.U.C.K.-M.E., it was noted that engineers always have a trick up their sleeve such that they will always find a way to steer clear of every day small talk and get back to their spreadsheets.


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