Dear Andy:
My name is Gretan and I’m an HR specialist working in a busy downtown office with many engineers and geologists who I know are the primary carriers of the very contagious Crayola-Geotitis and HP48gx-Enguenza viruses. I was thinking of working from home, but then I’d miss the look on peoples’ faces when my team hands them a pink slip. How can I best protect myself from infection without hiding in my bunker? Begging for help, Gretan T.
Dear Gretan:
Okay here’s the deal. First, will you stop laying people off already? I think oil and gas professionals out west have had enough by now. Second, the novel Crayola-Geotitis and HP48gx-Enguenza viruses are exceptionally contagious and without the right protection, they can cause you some serious health problems and have you acting in strange ways. Signs of Crayola-Geotitis include a sudden and irrational urge to hand-contour maps in a panicked frenzy (typically in a public place with whatever you can get your hands on – even if you’re not a geologist), dry mouth, dry hands, and of course, constipation. HP48gx-Enguenza has terrible symptoms that include tripolar skitso-paranoia, increased heartrate, profuse sweating, weight gain, and hyper-accelerated involuntary celibacy. Continue reading for some true and tested precautions that you can take to protect yourself from these nasty viruses.
1) Wash Your Ears Often – One of the primary transmission mechanisms for Crayola-Geotitis is through airborne sound waves of geoscientific jargon entering your ears, so keep them clean. If ever you hear something like, “… the karst palaeogeomorphology-controlled telogenetic karstification over the distribution of dolomitization with subparallel shoreline porosity disappearance via VP/VS compressional slowness and shear deformations,” immediately run to the bathroom and wash your ears with soap for at least 5 minutes. Or consider massaging the inner and outer ear with hand sanitizer for no fewer than 60 seconds.
2) Avoid Calculators & Spreadsheets – To put it bluntly, HP48gx-Enguenza is spread by misuse of calculators and spreadsheets. So, although it is safe to use these devices, you must use them correctly in order to avoid infection. This insidious virus is present on all calculators and keyboards attached to devices that are currently running a spreadsheet. It is sophisticated enough to identify when a technical mistake has been made by the user, and that’s when the nastiness starts. But the interesting thing about Enguenza is that it takes the virus about 30 seconds to confirm that a mistake is made. This means if you notice that you’ve made a mistake, then within 30 seconds of the mistake we strongly recommend you dump gasoline on the device and set it on fire. At this point, you should be good to go.
3) The Candyman Method – If you are the spiritual type who believes in the supernatural, then this last method could prove to be effective even if you believe you’ve come down with one of these two viruses from the NerdVid-42 family of pathogens. Once your ears start to tingle or you accidentally hit the CE button on your calculator instead of the C button, visit the closest bathroom with 5 tealight candles. Place the candles on the counter in a loose pentagram formation, remove all of your clothes less your right sock, turn off the lights, and this is where it gets interesting. Peer deep into your own eyes in the dimly-lit mirror and repeat the following 3 times very, very slowly: “Everything will be just fine, they are normal people just like me!” Now I can’t guarantee that this will work, but if an engineer or geologist enters the bathroom mid-chant, you can be sure that it’s the last that you’ll see of that pinky ring-wearing nerd.
So, there you have it, Gretan, all the best. And if these prevention methods don’t seem to work for you, then you can always resort to your bunker. Sure you won’t be able to enjoy seeing people get axed, but you also won’t see or hear engineers and geologists – I think that’s more than a fair trade-off.
Andy Killinger,
Staff Counselor 2P News
Idiots.