In this light Friday piece from 2P News, we present our annual review of new technology from Canada that we believe will make a difference in the oil and gas sector. Shoot, it may even help us keep our jobs a little longer.
- Bullshit Repellent – Spray your office daily and this chemical concoction in a handy aerosol can is guaranteed to keep middle and upper management, landmen, lawyers and bean counters far, far away. The odour has to be experienced to be believed but it is nothing a geologist or engineer couldn’t tolerate with ease.
- Electric Log Interpreter – Tired of dealing with ambiguous electric logs? Simply run the log through this device and immediately solve all your problems. The only drawback is that it may be used only once per log copy. It may also be used to decipher HR memos and regulatory directives.
- Geologist Cell Phone – Geologists find smart phones are usually way smarter than they are and they therefore have a difficult time learning to use them. A new phone from LG (Lazyass Geologist) solves the problem with a device so simple even an MBA can use it. No longer can geologists fail to return their boss’ phone calls with the excuse “I couldn’t find the dial.”
- Hockey Gum Lost Circulation Material – Maintaining the mud system in a drilling operation is difficult even in the best of circumstances and nothing screws it up like lost circulation. Put those days behind you with this new LCM from the Hockey Gum Company. Just have your drilling crew chew up several thousand pieces of Hockey Gum and toss it in the mud pit. Plus, you get to keep all the trading cards!
- Cootie Detector – Looking for an excuse for your last dry hole? Blame it on cooties, then convince your management to invest in the all-new Ronco Cootie Detector. It doesn’t do anything but buzz and flash lights; however, it might buy you a couple of months before they fire your ass.
- Toroidal™ Bearing – If you’re having a vibration problem with rotating machinery like a centrifugal pump or compressor, it might be caused by worn-out bearings. Replace them with the new Toroidal™ bearing and never worry about it again. Made of copper, beryllium and vibranium.
- Corporate Jet – Many junior oil and gas company CEOs have inferiority complexes because they can’t afford to have their own personal jet to fly between Calgary and Ft. McMurray. The Super Sonic Jet from Bombardier fills this need at a fantastically low price. A happy CEO with a new toy is less likely to be thinking about personnel cuts.
8. Seismic Survey Headphones – Conducting a seismic survey involves a slew of people and expensive equipment. Think how much cheaper it would be if a single trained observer could listen to and interpret the signal right on the spot. This is now possible with the brand-new Mega-Ear® headphone. Cut costs and keep your job!
Well, there you have it, good people. These inventions are sure to revolutionize the oil and gas industry across western Canada. Do you have any ideas that you feel could help out? If so, please leave them in the comments.