HUDSON BAY – With the beer market splitting into so many segments, including craft, seltzer and floor polish, Mr. Pierre Francais-Allemagne, Chief Executive Officer of Moosepeace Beer, decided that maybe it wasn’t too late to get in on the action. To that end, he instructed his marketing department to find Canadian craft brewers that could be bought out and put under the Moosepeace umbrella. If that didn’t work he would simply copy or steal the recipe of their best beers.
Bearing in mind that Moosepeace’s marketers are the geniuses who came up with a snail-flavored beer (See Moosepeace Beer Announces Drilling Mud Subsidiary, July 14, 2014), they presented the following candidates to Mr. Francais-Allemagne:
Barney’s Beaver Pelt Bristol Crème Ale
Tasting Notes: Don’t be surprised if you cough up a fur ball. Strong rodent flavors and a hint of chewed bark.
Hibner’s Holistic Hefeweizenheimer
Tasting Notes: Made by a bunch of wiseasses on a commune in BC. That tells you all you need to know. Strong THC aftertaste.
Mephistopheles Brewing What the Helles
Tasting Notes: A complete mystery as to what went into this brew. Jimson weed? Nightshade? WTF!
Jeneric Brewing Non-GMO Gluten-Free Cage-Free Free-Range Eisbier.
Tasting Notes: Taste-free. Probably water from the Bow River just downstream of the sewage treatment plant.
Little Teapot Shorten Stout
Tasting Notes: Tip this over and it’ll pour out. Can’t decide if it’s tea or beer. Alcohol content near zero but a good diuretic.
Schwartzenegger’s I’ll Be Bock
Tasting Notes: Muscular but does not age well. Reminds one of used sweat socks and a European lack of hygiene. Politically incorrect.
Dolly Parton’s Porter Waggoner
Tasting Notes: This one is a big bust. Sickeningly sweet.
Elephant Bladder IPA River
Tasting Notes: Stand back unless you want to get soaked. The brewer’s name tells you where the brew comes from. Redolent of uric acid.
Mason’s Blazin’ Saison
Tasting Notes: Made with Carolina Reaper peppers so don’t be far from a sink. The pepper is the only thing you’ll taste for a very long time.
Cunning Linguist Malt Licker
Tasting Notes: Smells like tuna but has a strangely familiar taste. Hints of clams and Russian armpits.
Calgary City Hall Half Witbier
Tasting Notes: An effort by municipal employees to make use of the cigar butts and candy wrappers they sweep up. Somewhere bleach is involved.
Astonishingly, these are the ones they selected and not the ones rejected. Mr. Francais-Allemagne tasted a few samples and promptly fired the entire marketing department, something that should have been done years ago. Indeed, he called his lawyer to see if he could have them executed. The craft beer acquisition idea was dropped.