Calgary, Alberta – In this special news piece, we decided to interview our in-house counsellor about his experiences overseas dating back to March, 2020, where he feels he uncovered the true source of the Corona virus and learned about some possible cures. As always, Andy delivered.
Guilly: So Andy, you began this Pandemic overseas trying to meet a new wife. Once you were locked down in a foreign country, how did you react?
Andy: Well G-Man, I did as I was told, and isolated myself in an apartment. Luckily for me the owners never came home and they had plenty of food and good beer on hand, or I would have gone crazy. Even their clothes fit me well enough to get by.
Guilly: Wait, you isolated in a strangers house? Maybe we don’t want to know how that happened?
Andy: Well let me tell you how crazy things got. I woke up on some girl’s couch and escaped as best I could. Then while I was getting coffee at D’Orantinos, I saw the television announcing lockdowns and isolation protocols. I scooped up my laptop and started checking doors along the streets man! I’ve seen World War Z, I know how fast this can happen. And I needed to get myself safe fast!
Guilly: Alright, so maybe that’s sort of alright then, but that’s when you started researching and studying the ‘Rona correct? What were your first impressions?
Andy: Yeah, that’s right. I found a pair of binoculars in the home and started observing the locals outside. Between that and main stream media it was tough, because I don’t speak Italspanifrench, or whatever they speak where I was. But the people outside were really sketchy. Wearing masks all of a sudden, and scared of each other, always crossing the street and never going near each other. That’s when I figured some of them were infected. At that point I was trying to steal WiFi from the neighbours so I could get back in touch with you guys and some news I could understand. It took awhile, but I did it.
Guilly: Okay, that’s when you finally got a hold of us here at the office, which was a relief for me, Darcy was really upset he lost the “Andy-got-COVID” betting pool. So with access to science at that point, it seemed you were really digging into the truth behind this?
Andy: Yeah, and with access to the Darknet through a stranger’s hotspot it wasn’t even too hard. We all know China had been trying to drill deeper and deeper gas wells, but it turns out they were also targeting these wellbores into deep Earth caverns and tunnels systems seen in seismic. I guess one of these caverns was just east of Wuhan, and some of the core samples had organics and wound up at that nearby wet market, I think as some sort of edible fungus to treat erectile dysfunction. Whoops.
Guilly: Well that’s a story we haven’t heard yet. Was there evidence of that on the Darknet, proof? Or was it just a rumour you heard through the window?
Andy: No, it was all over the place in every chatroom – that China had found a new source of abundant source of protein and was going to test out its popularity in Wuhan before going to Western markets. The plan was to market it beside the dried crunchy seaweed at Costco. Obviously it didn’t work out, but whatever little buggy buggers were in that fungus sure expanded their territory didn’t they!
Guilly: Yeah it sure did. Every corner of the globe. So now there you are, in a stranger’s house, drunk and wearing their clothes, stealing WiFi from a strange neighbour and cruising the Darknet with a company laptop. How the hell did you get out of there?
Andy: Yeah, hehe, pretty good story actually. I was scared to touch the doorknobs in the building so I crawled out the window wearing a leather unitard I found in bottom drawer. It helped to hide me as I snuck down the street below the apartments and eventually all the way to airport. I used the landing gear door on a WestJet 737 just like Arnold and stowed away until it smelled like Calgary again. It was pretty easy to get off the plane and though the fence to my car with everyone just parking planes wherever they wanted and going home.
Guilly: Okay, wow, mind blown! So basically everything we heard on the “real” news is bogus and all out lies. Not to mention your outlandish escape story! So we’ve trashed economies, people have died, and everyone still blames Trump. Has there been any light shed on a cure, or treatment? Can this fungus be killed?
Andy: There was a treatment that involved drinking bleach mixed with strawberry juice, but I couldn’t replicate the findings. I’ve also heard that drinking water out of stagnant, primarily anoxic ponds and stormwater holding pools can help, but that’s also anecdotal, and the geologists I interviewed a yesterday drinking that water were also drunk. Very drunk. So as far as I know there isn’t any treatment so far, unless you count Darcy’s homemade hot-pepper sauce. That’ll kill the ‘Rona alright, and probably the person eating the wings too.
Guilly: Wow, what a story. It’s almost so stupid I don’t believe it, but here at 2P, we’re a special kind of special. Andy, thanks for doing this. I know it isn’t your usual role here at 2P, but since you were in the thick of it in Magtrunistan or wherever the hell you were, we had to ask. Thanks Andy!