Dearest loyal 2P News readers – if it isn’t CO2 putting Christmas in jeopardy, it’s this freakin’ pandemic!
This is Dr. Darcy Flowman, co-founder of 2P News, reporting tonight with not so much a news story, but rather an update on some recent developments in the pandemic that is hitting very close to home for Antoine McGuilicuddy who reigns from a 10 or 15 miles south of the North Pole.
You see, Antoine’s grandmother reached out to us from Alert, Nunavut a few days back telling us that there is a new strain of COVID unofficially named the Santa variant that is quickly spreading through the North Pole. Apparently at least 6 elves have tested positive for this new strain that is 764% more transmissible than the Omnibot variant and 215% more lethal then the Delta.
Working with 2P News’ staffer Sir William Shortspeare non-stop for the last 48 hours, we think we’ve created a vaccine that will help mitigate the impacts of the Santa variant. It’s basically melted down 10 parts of green/red candy canes stabilized by 2 parts of agar agar and 1 part apple cider vinegar. When injected, this concoction should stop this new variant in its tracks.
So Antoine, Sir William, and I are about to embark on a trip to the North Pole to help out as much as we can. If we don’t do something, there’s a chance that more elves will become infected and will have to quarantine themselves thereby removing them from the toy assembly line. We don’t have much time, but we can get it done.
This is just something that we have to do; we’re doing it for the children, we’re doing it for the world, so wish us good luck. We have declared this mission our themdate! (Well, we would have used the term mandate, but we know we would have returned to see letters from the woke left.)
With God’s speed! See you guys in the new year!
Happy Christmas to you all!
2P News Management Team
