CALGARY, Alberta – The “Greatest Outdoor Show on the Planet” didn’t happen in 2020, but Stampede organizers say that it will be back for 2021, and unlike any others in the past. Here is the top ten list of new and different things to expect when you visit the Stampede grounds this July!
10 – Forced Physical Distancing
The plan is not to enforce the 2m spacing between Stampedegoers, but rather to force it. Stampede organizers have taken a page out of a Baltimore restaurant’s book on how to maintain distancing for its patron. Each visitor who enters the grounds will be strapped to a bumper table, which is a round, 1m diameter, single-person table on wheels surrounded by an inflatable inner tube. Provided the visitors keep the tables horizontal, the 2m physical distancing will be self-enforcing.
9 – The COVID Coaster
The Stampede’s Midway is notorious for providing hair-raising, white-knuckled rides that keep visitors coming back for more year after year. This year, however, a very special roller coaster has been designed that doesn’t really do anything fast or impart any crazy g-forces on its riders. But as the roller coaster traverses its path anxious riders are taken past journalists, politicians, and some of Alberta’s top doctors who tell you how scared you should be.
8 – Deep Fried COVID on a Stick
Nobody in their right mind would ever consume COVID. But a joint effort between Alberta Health Services and Stampede organizers is introducing a brand new treat to Stampedegoers in 2021 – Deep Fried COVID. Here’s how it works: An extract of mucous membranes collected from positive case swabs is infused into a bat, which is then battered and deep fried. The key here is that deep frying the COVID extract kills the active virus to the point that the person consuming it doesn’t contract the virus, but it gives their body enough inactive virus so that they create antibodies which promotes herd immunity.
7 – The SlingSHOT
If there’s one ride that carnival-goers love to death, it’s the Slingshot. The idea of sitting with another person in a capsule that is launched over 150m into the air at 100 km/h and bounced up and down until it comes to rest is equal parts fun and shit-your-pants scary. This year, however, the ride has been modified so that only one person is allowed per ride instead of the usual two. The ride will be run empty between paid rides to air it out. And here’s the kicker: during the ride, the passenger passes through a mist of AstraZeneca vaccine in an effort to auto-vaccinate them. AHS studies have shown that passing through airborne vaccine spray at high speeds allows the vaccine to enter the bloodstream via the pores in the skin.
6 – Kenney Dunk Tank Thanks
This is not your run-of-the-mill dunk tank where participants pay to throw a ball to soak the poor subject sitting above the water. In this dunk tank, participants pay $20 to hold Jason Kenney’s head under water for 60 seconds to thank him for the bang-up job he has done managing Alberta’s vaccine rollout.
5 – The VacciRotator 2000
Move aside Gravitron, here comes the VacciRotator 2000. This ride starts off much like the Gravitron where participants standing around the wall of a circular room get spun up to speed before the fall drops out from beneath them, being held up by centrifugal forces alone. But here’s where things get interesting. As the riders are stuck to the wall, tiny needles pop through the wall into their backs providing both a first and second dose of some mystery COVID-19 vaccine. Riders are handed vaccination certificates as they exit the ride. This ride is personally sponsored by Dr. Deena Heehaw.
4 – The Arctic Experience
Since the Haunted House attraction’s closure, due to Rachel Notley not renewing the contact for the Stampede to use her images throughout the rickety old structure, organizers are introducing a new attraction called the “Arctic Experience.” This experience is not for the faint of heart or for anybody who doesn’t like to be chilly. Participants are stripped down to their underwear, and walk through 5 daisy-chained Moderna vaccine freezer trailers. Unbeknownst to participants, as they walk through the freezers they step on tiny little micro-needles that inject them with microlitres of Moderna on each step. By the time they exit the ride, they are fully vaccinated and then some. And the best thing is that they will be so cold that they won’t even feel their shots.
Well, okay, we can’t count. But you’ll forgive us when you understand that this list was put together by a geologist – and those cats aren’t good with numbers.