CALGARY, Alberta – As crack (or in Andy’s case, crackhead) journalists, we staff members at 2P News pride ourselves on tracking down leads, following cold trails and bringing the truth as we find it to our audience. Or making up something. Sometimes, though, the magic just doesn’t work and we hit a brick wall. I’ve asked my fellow staff to tell us about the one that got away. So here they are, the unsolved mysteries of 2P News:
Andy Killinger – The Crown has never successfully prosecuted me although they’ve tried. Oh lord they’ve tried! The unsolved mystery is why do witnesses move away or just disappear as trial dates approach? I have investigated several disappearances myself but I have run into nothing but dead, dead ends.
Cynthia Redbush – For me, the biggest unsolved mystery is why do Flowman and McGuilicuddy keep Yu Mii around. I’m far prettier, wear better clothes and I have magnificent breasts. The only thing I can imagine is that she learned some tricks during her employment at a Los Angeles massage parlour.
Dr. Darcy Flowman – At one time I had a vision that 2P News could actually make some money. Between the fees to maintain the website address and the software to generate the content we actually lose money. My unsolved mystery is why do I still do this?
Antoine McGuilicuddy – The biggest mystery is why I put up with Flowman’s constant belittling of geologists and general snarkiness. And that PhD he claims to have? He bought it from an ad in the back of a comic book.
Gretel Foonberger – [no response]
Sir William Shortspeare – My greatest unsolved mystery is how a California Sierra Club member can drive to a meeting in a Chevrolet Suburban that gets 12 miles to the gallon and see no irony in it at all.
Yu Mii – 那个雷德布什真是个婊子!
As we move into the final quarter of 2020, let’s hope that some of these mysteries will be solved and we will all sleep better for it.