Gobi Tree Squids

BREA, California – California has been the epicenter of a number of invasive species catastrophically affecting native plants and animals.  Now, the Gobi tree squid (Loligo vulgaris democraticus) has been added to the list.  It first appeared on the Channel Islands off the Southern California coast and has since spread throughout the state.

State biologist Dr. Mewkus Membrain explained what happened.  “We believe the first one came in as a stowaway on a Chinese freighter sailing out of Ulan Bator in Mongolia.”

Dr. Membrain, in action under water.

Dr. Membrain explained that the normal range of the animal is in the eucalyptus forests on the edge of the Gobi desert.  He added, “It’s quite remarkable how a marine cephalopod has been able to adapt to a terrestrial environment and thrive.  We still don’t know how the thing breathes or avoids drying out.  It eats leaves, twigs, bugs, just about anything.”

The invasion reached the central valley of California where the vast majority of state oil production occurs.  In an alarming development, the squids can slither up the side of a storage tank using the suction pads on their tentacles and then enter the tank through any open hatches, seeking a liquid environment in which to reproduce.  This was discovered when their carcasses started plugging up the tank outlets and valves in the pipeline systems.  The heavy oil produced in California is similar in consistency with eucalyptus sap that is the squids’ usual mating habitat.

A typical California tank battery invested with Gobi tree squid. 

Ms. Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste, Lead Scold of the Citizens United against New Technology, broke her court-ordered vow of silence to comment on the tree squid invasion.

Ms. Hortense Pantiwaste

“One of the horrid things dropped out of a tree and landed on my head.  At first I thought a condor had pooped on me, but then it tried to insert a tentacle up my nose.  Normally I wouldn’t hurt a fly but I was forced to hurl the disgusting creature a good two meters away from me.”

Despite being invasive, the State of California has declared the tree squid a protected species since it is contributing to the destruction of the oil and gas industry.


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