Trump Repents, Will Take Extraordinary Measures to Make Amends with Democrats for Being an Asshat

WASHINGTON, D. C. – As the tragi-comic term of U. S. president Donald J. Trump limps to its conclusion, he has been furiously maneuvering to avoid prosecution.  Most likely he will attempt to issue a self-pardon for his federal crimes, but states and other jurisdictions will still be able to indict and prosecute him.  However, to get away with his non-federal crimes, he has concluded that he has to get Democrats on his side and has cooked up an improbable way of accomplishing that.  He will abandon the Republican Party and seek the 2024 nomination for president as a Democrat.

President Trump stood before a crowd of supporters in the Rose Garden this morning to apologize.

“Hey, I know I messed a few things up during my term, so I just want to say sorry. Remember the time during the eclipse when I looked at the sun directly? I’m sorry about that. How about the time I greeted my predecessor at the white house and left my wife in the car… sorry about that one, too. Oh, Oh… what about the time I instructed police officers to refrain from being too nice when making arrests? Yeah… ummm.. sorry about that. There are many things I messed up, but those are the main ones.” – President Trump

Since he has been completely banned from all social media and not even Fox News will return his phone calls anymore, Trump has turned to 2P News in a last-ditch effort to get his message out.  He called our office and was pleasantly surprised that we picked up the phone.  (Nobody told him that we’re too cheap to pay for Caller ID.)  He explained what he’s trying to do and asked for our co-operation.  He concluded his spiel by saying, “I’ve completely fucked up the Republican Party.  It’s only fair that I do the same thing for the Democrats.”

Sensing a possible scoop, we used our vast resources to reach out to a number of prominent Democrats to get their opinions.  Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi said, “He’ll run as a Democrat over my wrinkled half-dead body!”  Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer added, “I’d rather have my next colonoscopy done with barbed wire.”

After hearing our reports of nothing but negatives from a huge number of Democrats, Trump was heard to mutter, “All I’m asking for is a do-over for the last four years.  Sheesh.  My buddies who broke into the Capitol were just looking for some souvenirs of their trip to Washington.  What a bunch of grouches.  It’s not like I’m an insane power-hungry charlatan who only thinks of himself.”

2P News believes that if he wins the 2024 presidential election as a democrat, that he will run the country as the most right-wing democrat in the history of the world.