LOONEYTUNE, California – The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines phrenology as the study of the conformation of the skull based on the belief that it is indicative of mental faculties and character. That is, the bumps and ridges that can be felt on a person’s skull are indicative of intelligence and personality traits. This notion has been thoroughly debunked but as with most pseudosciences there are still people who firmly believe in it. Witness the popularity of horoscopes and Fox News.
Among those adherents is Mr. Aloysius Kopfbeule who has expanded the concept from just a human skull to the entire planet and now calls himself a geophrenologist. He claims that he can examine a topographic map of an area and determine the likelihood of oil and gas being present in the subsurface. Mr. Kopfbeule spoke to 2P News’ Rodecker Smith about his extraordinary abilities.
“Okay, soooo… how does this all work? I really don’t know, I just have these super natural abilities, I suppose. When handed a map, I just close my eyes and recite the turkish rendition of Kumbaya in an upper mongolian accent – I really think that’s the key. And then I Ever so gently rub my fingertips over the paper. When I feel a little tingle in my taint, I know I’m getting close. From there it gets a little fuzzy, But I’m batting around 850 so I know it works” – Mr. Aloysius Kopfbeule, P.Geophren.
When asked about the oceans, he said that a sonar-generated profile of the ocean floor would serve just as well. In addition to oil and gas, he further claims that he can locate coal deposits and metallic ore bodies. [Yeah, like anybody’s looking for more coal. – Editor]
Every petroleum geologist we spoke to considers this concept to be totally ridiculous. Kopfbeule refuses to discuss any details of his methods, claiming that the information is proprietary and could be used by anyone if made public. He is making the rounds of exploration and production companies trying to sell his services to some manager stupid enough. 2P News believes he has a better chance of flapping his arms and flying to the moon.
2P News has attempted to check on Mr. Kopfbeule’s credentials but as far as we can determine he is not a graduate of any accredited university or even a high school. Indeed, the only public record available shows he spent 6 months in California’s Folsom Prison for voting Republican in a San Francisco election.