WASHINGTON, D. C. – Following his many unsuccessful lawsuits and browbeating of state officials seeking to overturn the results of the November election in the USA, outgoing president Donald Trump is being hastily torn down and reprogrammed. There is virtually zero chance that this will make any difference but his attitude is that he has nothing to lose in the attempt. Details of the reprogramming are being held secret while some last minute glitches are worked out. The only certainty is that he will remain a massive asshole.
In addition to Trump, Democrats claim that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Trump’s private attorney Rudy Giuliani are also robots in need of reprogramming. Giuliani denied this allegation and explained, “I knew I had to prove that I’m human so I farted on national television while I was bullshitting the Michigan Voter Fraud Hearing. I had to grunt really hard to make it audible enough to be picked up by the cheap-ass microphones in the hearing room and this aggravated my hemorrhoids. I am happy to sacrifice my anus to advance the cause of President Rump, uh, Trump!”
The reprogramming is being performed by Republican National Committee lackeys and hackers working for the Russian FSB security service. 2P News has received a tip that the group also includes QAnon lunatics who claim that Democrats such as Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and George Soros are a cabal of pedophiles who operate a world-wide sex-trafficking ring. Trump already believes that so it won’t make any difference.
As word of the operation spread, several high ranking Washington insiders reacted. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, has dispatched a team of Albanian ninjas to locate the site of the reprogramming and deliver a stern rebuke. Current vice president Mike Pence has spent the last four years being irrelevant and sees no reason to change now or get involved in any way.