VANCOUVER, British Columbia – Hookem Pharmaceuticals LLC announced today that it has received approval to market and distribute a new anti-depressant, Petrohempinol, designed specifically for persons working (or no longer working) in the oil and gas industry. As the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic spread and demand for oil and gas diminishes, the head count has taken a nosedive. A huge number of unemployed or underemployed oil and gas workers are now seeking ways to cope with the new reality. Petrohempinol offers some relief.
The drug produces effects similar to that of tetrahydrcannabinol (THC), the active ingredient found in marijuana. However, the active ingredient in Petrohempinol is undetectable by common drug tests, so your continued employment or prospects for getting re-hired are unaffected. Furthermore, it will mask the presence of THC. In other words, your pee test will be clean unless you do the really hard stuff. (If you do, cut that shit out, you dumbass!)
An innovation in capsule design is also being rolled out along with the drug itself. The capsule includes haptic feedback, meaning that when it is swallowed it starts buzzing until dissolved in the stomach. This doesn’t accomplish anything other than tickle your innards, but Hookem didn’t want to waste the technology.
Regulations require that Hookem disclose common side effects of the new drug. These include raging paranoia, toe fungus, Napoleonic complexes, hangnails, butt zits, pico de gallo, gallic indifference, spontaneous bone fractures, melting eyeballs and loss of senses of taste, touch, sight, smell and hearing. Rarer but more severe side effects are death, passing huge amounts of gas, expiration, annihilation, extermination, obliteration and kicking the bucket. However, when you’ve been out of work for over a year, who gives a shit about side effects.
Petrohempinol is a controlled substance and available by prescription only, but ask around. It can be had on the street for less than the cost of some grass. As a public service, 2P News’ Andy Killinger will sell you as much as you want. Call him at 825-QUIKHIT.
