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The Disassociated Press | 3 minute read

CALGARY, Alberta – A Nelson, BC oil and gas exploration company that drilled its first 5-well pad 3 months ago, is having a hard time getting them to produce at economical rates. In fact, the company has reported that none of the wells from its inaugural development program are producing any hydrocarbons of any type whatsoever at any rates to speak of. 
Zelda Nightingale, TransWoke Energy CEO

Twenty-four year old, Zelda Nightingale, TransWoke Energy’s CEO (and who happens to be the oldest of the company’s 34 staff), sat down with 2P News’ field correspondent Rodecker Smith this morning to talk about the company’s development plan and results. 

  • Rodecker Smith: “Good morning, Zelda. Thanks for taking time to sit with 2P News.”
  • Zelda Nightingale: “Wait… Good morning?! Why a good morning? What if I don’t want a good morning? Wouldn’t you say that’s a tad bit offensive, Rodecker? And in some places on the planet it’s not morning, so give that some thought the next time before you greet somebody that way.”
  • RS: “Yeah, okay. So what’s going on with the wells you’ve drilled thus far? Into which formation where they drilled? To what extent was the technical work executed?”
  • Zelda Nightingale: “Formation? Technical work? Errr… no. We just drilled whiles into the ground believing that oil and gas would flow out. Isn’t that the way it works over in Alberta?” 
  • RS: “No. How did you expect to hit oil and gas without doing any technical exploratory work?”
  • ZN: “I should have been more clear, we tried doing some calculations with what we call ‘subjective mathematics and engineering.’ It works like this: If one of our engineers wants to believe 2+2 equals 7, then that’s what it is. To mandate that 2+2 equals 4 puts the numbers in an objective reality that I consider racist.
  • RS: “Saying that 2+2 equals 4 is racist?”
  • ZN: “That’s what i said, Rodecker. Anyhow, instead of detailed technical work we ended up doing a bit of research and learned that most of the wells that produce a lot of gas are unconventional wells in the the Montney and those that produce a lot of oil are SAGD wells in the oil sands. So, what we did was identify the wells we drilled as such. In fact, we added the term ‘prolific’ in front of the name to get even more product.”
  • RS: “You’re telling me that you drilled a well nowhere near a gas pool, but by identifying the well as a ‘prolific Montney gas well’ you thought it should BECOME a prolific Montney gas well?”
  • ZN: “That’s right. The well has a right to identify as it wants to, but since it cannot talk, my exploration manager, who also holds the position of VP of Inclusion, Diversity, Equity, Fairness, and Social Justine, gave it the aforementioned identity. “
  • RS: “But the world doesn’t work like that, Zelda. Calling a D&A well a prolific producer does not make it a prolific producer. Just like if I call my 1987 Toyota Corolla a McLaren 765LT, it won’t make it do the quarter mile in sub 2 seconds.”
  • ZN: “I think if we wait long enough, mother nature will ensure that our wells become prolific producers. In the meantime, we will ask that people identify our wells as prolific producers, believe that they are prolific producers, and then pay us for their prolific production, even if it doesn’t exist. At the end of the day, how does one show justice for a well by saying it doesn’t have production when it identifies as a prolific producer?”
  • RS: “I’m not sure I can continue with this logic and explanation, but I wish you the best of luck with your exploration and development efforts.”
  • ZN: **Ahem** “We don’t use the term development at TransWoke Energy. We prefer to use the gender-neutral, socially just, word developpeoplet.”
  • RS: “Okay, F&#K THIS! I’ve gotta get the hell outta here before I lose it!”



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