CALGARY, Alberta – It is an unfortunate fact of life in the oil and gas business that 9 out of 10 exploratory wells drilled are dry holes. At this point the operator wishes he could simply walk away from a dry hole and move on to the next project. However, regulators require that the well be plugged and abandoned. This is normally done with an elaborate procedure of cutting and pulling casing, setting plugs and filling the hole with mud and cement. There is a better, cheaper way.
Arboria Logging Company of Mongo, Alberta is offering its low-cost P&A services in any area with an abundant supply of trees. Company spokesman Clyde Hatchett explained, “Our new service to the oil and gas companies is a natural outgrowth of our primary business. It allows us to use equipment that we already have, except for the pile driver. That sucker is a lot of fun to play with and finally I have something that will crack the toughest walnut.”
He went on to say, “Let me explain how it works. Our skilled engineers (OK, lumberjacks) carefully trim trees to fit the casing of the dry hole and then use the pile driver to pound them into place. The wood absorbs fluid and swells slightly, forming a tight seal. This is similar to how the old timers used to abandon wells with used telephone poles, but our trimming to fit produces a much better seal. We’ve even bullshitted Ottawa into approving the method by calling it ‘organic’. Trudeau nearly wet himself he was so pleased.”
Mr. Buford Bigass of Bigass Oil Company in Dallas, Texas, was quite effusive in his praise of Arboria Logging Engineers. He gushed, “Them boys done saved me a shitload of money on P&A operations. The only thing they wouldn’t do is substitute one of my geologists for a tree trunk. I figured that would make them rock sniffers pay a little more attention to what they’re doing if I used their thick skulls to plug their dry holes.”