CALGARY, Alberta – Officials at the University of Calgary (UofC) announced today that they have caved in to demands that the university’s name for sports teams, the Dinos (formerly the Dinosaurs), be dropped in favour of a more inclusive and less abusive name. This follows a trend throughout North America of changing names in the face of objections from special interest groups. Even the Calgary Flames are under pressure for being insensitive to the Ft. McMurray wildfires and the Edmonton Oilers for promoting fossil fuels causing climate change. As for the names of the UofA’s Golden Bears and the Calgary Hitmen semi-pro lacrosse team – don’t get me started.
Tribal Chairman Ralphie Birdinthehand of the Yabbadabbadoo First Nation is one of the more vocal advocates of the UofC name change. He explained, “The term ‘dino’ is repulsive to us because it implies that somebody was here before us. We’re the First Nation, not the Second Nation. Furthermore, we object to the use of animal names that are sacred to us, such as aardvarks, ants, antelopes, amoebas, alpacas, anchovies, aurochs, alligators, armadillos, anacondas and axolotls. And that’s just the A’s.”
University President Casper Milquetoast conceded that Chairman Birdinthehand had a point, even if it is on the top of his head. He said, “After receiving input and insults from every nutcase on the continent, the University of Calgary sports teams will now be known as the UofC Inanimate Objects. The new logo is a block of granite. We hope this will satisfy all the politically correct dickwads and whiners. Now shut the hell up and leave me alone.”
However, a group of geologists immediately objected to the use of a granite logo, insisting that a sedimentary rock would be more representative. Then the geologists subdivided into sandstoners and shalers and attacked each other with rock hammers and beer bottles.