CALGARY, Alberta – As a public service, 2P News presents today’s horoscope from our own alchemist and astrological guru, Andy Killinger. – Editor
Aries the Ram
The Chevy and Ford guys will give you a lot of grief today. You should have bought the hemi.
Taurus the Bull
Beware of middle/upper management and what they leave on the floor. If you step in it…
Gemini the Twins
Candy and Mandy down at the strip club will charge you more than double for a lap dance. But it’s worth it.
Cancer the Crab
If you smoke you probably have pubic lice. Plan a trip to the pharmacy.
Leo the Lion
Lyin’ will come easy today so make the most of it. Write up that report that’s already two weeks late.
Virgo the Virgin
This applies only to engineers. Stay away from bars after work, otherwise you’re going to strike out for the 3,922nd time.
Libra the Scales
For true happiness, seek balance in your life. If that doesn’t work, shoot something.
Scorpio the Scorpion
If going stings like a scorpion nailed you in your most sensitive spot, see a doctor for some antibiotics.
Sagittarius the Archer
Don’t confuse this Archer with Cupid. Archer is a TV cartoon show on the FXX Network. Cupid doesn’t know you exist.
Capricorn the Goat
The Greatest Of All Time ain’t you. Accept it and move on. Alternatively, stop by the liquor store and make a major purchase.
Aquarius the Waterbearer
When you get old, Aquarius will visit you multiple times each night and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Pisces the Fish
If it smells like three-day-old tuna, then a little hygiene is in order. Summer’s Eve douche is recommended.
Well, there you have it, good people. How is your day going to go?