Post-Vandal Mona Lisa

PARIS, France – Authorities at the Louvre Museum in Paris admitted that the most famous painting in the world, the Mona Lisa, has been vandalized.  This is despite extraordinary security measures taken to assure its safety.  It is normally exhibited behind a locked bullet-proof glass case but someone left the key in the lock.  This was just the first of an unfortunate chain of events.

Achmed bin Fastid

A preliminary investigation found that night janitor Achmed bin Fastid forgot to turn on the burglar alarm when he left at 4:00 am.  No one was in the building until the normal staff began arriving at 10:00 am.  This apparently gave the vandals sufficient time to enter the museum and attack the painting.  It is expected that Mr. bin Fastid will receive a severe scolding and be deported back to his native Rumwhiskeystan.

The Wrong Leonardo

The task force assigned to investigate the incident decided to begin with an interview of the artist.  When contacted by French police, Leonardo DiCaprio said, “You’ve got the wrong Leonardo, you fruitcake frogs!”  Leader of the task force Inspector Jacques Clouseau admitted he was trying to get DiCaprio’s autograph for his wife and mistress.  Mr. DiCaprio was later heard to say, “At least he didn’t confuse me with Matt Damon.”  This part of the investigation was closed when an art historian discovered that Leonardo da Vinci died in 1519.

This type of vandalism is unprecedented.  Most cases involve slashing the canvas with a knife or splashing it with a bucket of paint.  Since this is an oil painting, suspicion immediately fell on recently laid-off employees of Total and ENI.  However, the degree of skill required to alter the painting in such a short time is remarkable and is far beyond anything a geologist or engineer could do.  The task force believes this will drastically reduce the number of suspects.  Inspector Clouseau claimed, “The number of suspects is drastically reduced!”

Conservators estimate that it will take several years of careful work to repair the damage.  The new paint has to be removed bit by bit without disturbing the underlying original paint.  While this work is being performed on the Mona Lisa, in its place the Louvre will exhibit a pawprint of French President Macron’s dog, Nemo.


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