HOUSTON, Texas – TexxonMogul announced today that it has hired its first pachyderm petroleum geologist. The Indian elephant, who hails from Mumbai and goes by the name Alice, replaces the entire staff of exploration geologists in the Houston office. A special area on the first floor of TexxonMogul’s office building and a parking lot have been rebuilt to provide a workspace. A mahout who formerly worked for Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey has been hired to see to Alice’s other needs. She will be seen regularly by a qualified large-animal veterinarian.
TexxonMogul CEO Max Avarice touted the advantages of hiring Alice.
“She literally works for peanuts with an occasional bale of hay thrown in. And she’s a she. That ought to get the women’s rights harpies off my back for a while. A bonus is that she never forgets anything like staff meetings or deadlines. The maps that she has already drawn make a lot more sense than anything I got from those bozos I fired.” – Max Avarice, CEO TexxonMogul
If the experiment with Alice proves successful in the long run, Mr. Avarice hinted that many of his vice presidents will be replaced by a troop of baboons, believing that most other employees will not notice a difference between human and monkey, not even those with the big red butts.
Indeed, one can imagine a number of possible substitutions of animals for humans in the oil and gas industry. A gorilla drilling crew could be amazingly efficient. The land department can be replaced by a pack of hyenas. Accountants could be replaced by giant sloths. Engineers can be replaced by a mound of army ants, a swarm of gnats, or a cloud of mosquitos. (Editor’s note: Engineers are most like mosquitos, because they always seem to be buzzing around and they are as annoying as hell!)