CALGARY, Alberta – It’s hotter than a monkey’s breath out there. And we’ve got a couple of more months of it. At 2P News we’re no strangers to adversity so we put our heads together and came up with a number of things you can do to survive this heat wave.
- Take showers with LNG (Liquefied Natural Gas). The stuff evaporates and really cools you down. However, you must wear a mask unless you’re a native of Jupiter. And don’t smoke.
- Tag along with reservoir engineers as they plan day trips to outdoor pools to study “fluids.”
- Snuggle up with a Clive Barker horror novel and let your blood run cold.
- Go naked. Hint: Sunscreen! You’re Canadian and will sunburn in seconds flat.
- Think about the long-term prospects of Alberta’s oil and gas industry and get a cold shiver up your spine.
- Learn from Texans how to seek out any and all shade.
- If you are an engineer, arrange a wet pocket-protector contest for you and your engineer friends.
- If your car has air conditioning, move into it. Don’t park it in direct sunlight.
- Are you a geophysicist? Then depth convert our seismic in your tighty whities.
- Steal a cooling fan from a compressor station and mount it in the doorway of your house. Remember to open windows and other doors or your house will explode or implode, depending on how you mount the fan.
- Tell your spouse you’re homosexual. The resulting chill will freeze an Inuit.
- No. Sweaters (or bunny huggers, if you’re from SK). You. Dumbass.
- You a geologist who was born before 1960? Then this one is easy. Melt your crayon net pay maps to find new plays.
- If you are an oilfield services worker, sneak into the operations manager’s office and drink his beer.
- Drink. A lot. Alcohol will actually raise your body temperature but you won’t care. If you wake up with a humongous headache you won’t be thinking about how hot you are.
There you have it, good people.