All That's Left

HOLLYWOOD, California – Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. sadly announced today that one of its most beloved characters, Wile E. Coyote, died as a result of a collision with a truck.  Mr. Coyote had survived many such collisions before but they were all with cartoon objects.  The truck he hit was a real one that smeared his ink beyond recovery, thus leading to his permanent demise.  A Warner publicist noted that Mr. Coyote was beginning a tour to help promote the new movie Space Jam:  A New Legacy, which is why he was in the real world rather than in his usual cartoon universe.

The Roadrunner

The Roadrunner, who has never uttered a word in public, said through a spokesman that Coyote’s loss is a tragedy for all of Hollywood, and especially for him since he no longer has an antagonist for new cartoons and has been fired by Warner Bros.  His hope is that Chrysler will resurrect the name Roadrunner for one of its vehicles and provide a source of royalty income.  Many other characters are joining in the mourning.  Most notably, Porky Pig said, “Bu be bu be, that’s all, folks!”

The stock of Acme Corporation crashed upon the news.  Without the steady purchase of Acme’s shoddy goods by Coyote it is expected by many analysts that the company will go out of business.

Former U. S. president Donald Trump, who is a cartoon himself, denounced the announcement, saying that it would be simple matter to simply re-draw him using tougher, more resilient Russian ink.  Simple.  Mr. Trump said that Mr. Coyote was a fanatical supporter of his and that Coyote’s death was a left-wing plot to cut down on Trump’s support by supporters.

2P News does not publish obituaries but is making a partial exception in this case because so many of our staff identify with Wile E., that is, pursuing hare-brained schemes in hopes of getting a decent meal and/or a full measure of revenge on former employers.


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