CALGARY, Alberta – The surface area of Canada has long been reported to be 9,984,670 square kilometers. However, the Canadian Geodetic Survey (CGS) is warning that new data from satellites will cause a drastic downward revision of the number. Indeed, it is possible that Canada will fall from Number 2 on the list of largest countries in area to Number 4, behind China and the USA. The loss of prestige would be very damaging to the Canadian psyche. As Prime Minister Justin Trudeau exclaimed, “We’re Number 2, not Number 3 or 4!”
The culprit behind this turn of events is melting of the arctic ice and rising sea level. The CGS forecasts that places such as Ellesmere Island (Canada’s northernmost and third largest island) will shrink as much as 20% as glaciers retreat, ice shelves calve and snowfall diminishes. Rising sea level pushes the shoreline inland. Dr. Bob McKenzie in the Edmonton office of CGS noted that,
“We may have to evacuate the population of Ellesmere Island, all 192 of them since they’re all right on the coast. With rising sea levels, the three places where humans live may be invaded by blood-thirsty walruses.”
The Trudeau government is proposing a remedy for the arctic shrinkage. Draining the Canadian portion of the Great Lakes will create a large amount of new dry land, more than enough to compensate. Prime Minister Trudeau said, “We’ll only drain Canadian water. We don’t want Washington to get all upset about our taking their water.” Ignorance of the physics of fluid flow is only one of the problems with this scheme.
University of Alberta climatologist Dr. O. G. Wottaschnozz offered another glimmer of hope. He said, “What we need to do is replace the melted ice. I propose that we lease a bunch of idle Boeing 747s and Airbus A-380s and fly ice from Antarctica to northern Canada. Maybe the U. S. Air Force will loan us some C-5As and C-17s to help out. We could keep our Number 2 ranking. All that air traffic might kill a few sea birds and penguins, but in reality, nobody here gives a shit what happens in the southern hemisphere. Will it be expensive? Sure, but it’s worth it to maintain our near-supremacy.”
And why is all this happening? It’s all because cows fart too much.