CALGARY, Alberta – The overweening problem with crap is that it’s full of crap. This has been the case throughout history. When someone says, “This idea is pure crap,” they are sadly mistaken. It has been common knowledge that there’s no such thing as pure crap. By definition, crap is full of crap. That is, until now! Your humble correspondent has learned that a major project is afoot to generate pure crap.
Since crap is the raison d’etre for 2P News, I was clandestinely furnished a copy of a secret government report by an old friend in Ottawa. It was prepared by a Canadian parliamentary sub-committee and outlines a plan to create pure crap for exclusive government use. The plan has four stages:
- Form a sub-subcommittee of 12 MPs who will study the problem, take bids from research institutions and recommend a budget for a pilot facility to make test quantities of pure crap.
- Re-appointment of the sub-subcommittee and establishment of a permanent budget. Full-time staff hired. Winning bid from research institutions selected.
- Construction of pilot facility. Test quantities of pure crap distributed to various federal agencies for evaluation.
- Filing for patents worldwide. Appointment of a full ministry and construction of major facilities. Pure crap becomes a reality!
The demand for pure crap is expected to be self-sustaining. As more pure crap becomes available, the greater the demand will grow. We expect the demand for pure crap to reach at least 42 metric tons at all levels of Canadian government. This will replace the thousands of tons of ordinary, impure crap now generated. The massive reduction in tonnage will be welcomed by everyone in the country, from landfill operators to Justin Trudeau’s hairdresser.
It is expected that other nations, especially the USA, to show great interest in Canada’s ability to create pure crap. Indeed, licensing fees for the process could well eliminate the federal deficit. We at 2P News applaud this initiative and look forward to when Canada is the world leader in pure crap. It’s embarrassing when the only things you lead the world in are per capita poutine consumption and junior hockey.