CALGARY, Alberta – Lakshmi, an Indian elephant held in captivity at the Calgary Zoo, escaped last night and is now prowling the suburbs looking for new victims after eating two zookeepers. Police have advised all residents in the area to stay indoors until the situation is under control. Thus far Lakshmi has eluded all efforts to locate her despite being as big as an elephant. Additional helicopters may be borrowed from the RCAF.
Police consultant and mahout Gunga Dim expressed great surprise at the turn of events. He said, “She’s an Indian elephant. They are typically far gentler than African elephants. Those African ones won’t eat you but they will come after you and stomp the shit out of you. I have to wonder what the zoo has been feeding her. Maybe jimson (loco) weed?” He advised the zoo to forget about tranquilizer guns and go find a tranquilizer cannon.
Lakshmi, named for a Hindu goddess, is a direct descendant of the notorious Shiva, an elephant who in the 1930’s devoured half of the performers in a circus he was in. Elephants are normally herbivores and the unexpected appearance of a carnivore piqued the interest of wildlife biologists and rather than being destroyed, Shiva was moved to a secure facility and intensely studied. Scientists wondered how he could eat another animal using teeth suitable only for vegetation but it was soon found that he would simply sit on them and crush them into an easily ingested pulp. Until now, Shiva was a one-of-a-kind anomaly.
Many Calgary citizens are wondering what the hell is going on with all the animals. First, a wolf-moose hybrid [See 2P News December 16, 2020] terrorized everyone, then the New Democratic Party and now a flesh-eating elephant. Members of the Conservative Party are blaming Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, saying that this is a ploy to distract Albertans from the results of the recent election. Mr. Trudeau countered by blaming the Conservatives for creating panic to distract Albertans from the results of the recent election.