CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News co-founders and miscreants Darcy Flowman and Antoine McGuilicuddy announced that the company will sponsor an alternative music festival to be held in the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary. They swear that this time it’s not a scam. They point to the success of the 2P News’ Distilled Spirits Competition [July 19, 2021] and the Ugly Geologist Contest [October 30, 2020].
The event is scheduled for some time in 2025. Dr. Flowman explained the lengthy lead time. “We want to make sure that the COVID-19 pandemic is over or under control. Also, many of the people who buy tickets right away will have forgotten about it and buy some more tickets as the concert date approaches. We should be able to sell the same seat two or three times. Hoo-wee, free money!” Saddledome management expressed surprise at the announcement, saying that no contracts have been signed and most importantly no deposit to secure a date has been paid.
Among the acts already planned are:
- The Scottish Pipers – These are not bagpipers like you might expect, but rather four pipe organs mounted on lowboy trailers. The logistics will be a bitch but the sound will be something you’ve never heard before. Dueling Banjos will be reworked into Dueling Wurlitzers.
- The Vienna Girls Choir – You’ve all heard about the Vienna Boys Choir but you probably didn’t know there’s a girls choir too. They work a lot cheaper. The girls all have voices like Disney bunny rabbits so people who have trouble with high frequencies may have difficulty hearing them. Dogs should be kept away or they’re likely to start howling.
- CCR (Creedence Clearwater Ripoff) – The group’s name says it all. Expect to hear songs like Bad Mood Rising, Fortunate Sun, Up on the Corner, Looking Out My Front Door and other blatant thefts.
- Bruce Stringbean and the F Street Band – Look for them to play their full catalog of hits, which consists of Born to Rum. That’s it.
- Justin Biever – That’s Biever, not Bieber. We don’t want to scare everyone off.
Flowman and McGuilicuddy briefly considered combining the music festival with the annual Snoop Dogg-sponsored oil and grass festival, but that would have been totally redundant. Everybody who shows up is likely to be stoned already.