EDMONTON, Alberta – A new methodology for locating subterranean ore bodies is taking Alberta mining districts by storm. Development of the method began with the observation that in certain circumstances a herd of cattle will align themselves in parallel formations. As the cattle move around pastures to graze, the angle of their orientation changes. A plot of their location and alignment will show a convergence over an area that contains an ore body. This has been confirmed in several locales.
Dr. Angus Holstein of the Texas A & M School of Veterinary Science has investigated the phenomenon. He claims that the alignment is due to bovinity rays emitted by ore bodies that are detectable only by cattle. By taking careful measurements of cow polarity (the head is positive and the tail is negative) and time spent grazing in one place, he uses the Bouguer-Jersey equation to correct bovinometric estimated depth to the ore body. Bovinity field intensity is measured in 0.00μ (milli-moo) units. As is the case with any ray, the bovinity ray is subject to the inverse-square law, making corrections tricky with depth. This is especially true if the ore body is bisected with a fault. (See diagram below.)
There may be an internal influence. Cows are sloppy eaters and if there’s any metal on the ground it is consumed right along with the grass. This of course damages the cow’s digestive system. The most common way to prevent this damage is to make the cow swallow a cow magnet. This is a coated bar magnet that holds any ingested metal in place in the cow’s first stomach and prevents it from hurting the cow. [Editor’s note: Believe it or not, this is real.] Dr. Holstein is of the opinion that this may be the origin of the cattle’s sensitivity to bovinity rays. He goes on to say that bovinity rays and magnetism are related in some way but are not the same.
He is currently developing an airborne bovinometer that he believes will produce superior results. He has applied for grant money, saying “I’m going to milk this for all it’s worth.”
Editor’s Note: Bovinity Rays were first reported in the Journal of Irreproducible Results.