Just a Fraction of Andy's Mail

[Against our better judgment, we had Andy dig into his pile of mail and answer a few more letters.  Why people keep writing to him is a mystery.  As always, his responses are edited to remove the worst profanity and death threats. – Ed.]

Dear Andy,

I’ve read most of your articles here on 2P News and I must say you are one sorry excuse for a human being.  You seem to hate everybody.  I know this is a fake news site just like Fox News, so what I want to know is:  Are you for real?

Curious in Calgary

Dear Curious,

I’m as real as you are a friggin’ dipshit.

Dear Andy,

I got laid off from my job driving an ice cream truck at the beginning of the pandemic and I haven’t found another job yet.  I’m a college graduate with a degree in art history from McGill and that ought to count for something.  Do you have any advice for me?

Sticky Fingers

Dear Sticky,

Despite what you may think, a degree in art history from McGill doesn’t count for anything.  It tells prospective employers that you’re a moron.  What it really means is that you wasted four years and a shitload of money to get a diploma that might as well have been printed on a piece of toilet paper.  You need to learn how to weld.  Welders can always find a job.

Dear Andy,

Do you get along with your fellow staff members at 2P News?

Fat Freddy, Phineas & Freewheelin’ Franklin

Dear FF, P and FF,


Dear Andy,

Like most people on a fixed income, I’m getting very concerned about inflation.  If it persists, it will be disastrous for a lot of Canadians.  What do you think we should do?

Hanging On in High River

Dear Hanging On,

The biggest problem with inflation is the absurdly high cost of helium and the price is forecast to go even higher.  How can you inflate a bunch of party balloons without helium?  I blew up a bunch using methane and they floated just fine (just not as good as helium) but then some fool (Rodecker Smith) decided to pop one with a lighted cigar.  It took a while for his eyebrows and nose hair to grow back.

Dear Andy,

The major countries of the world will be sending astronauts back to the moon.  I would love to see Canada join their ranks.  What do you think our chances are?

Moon-eyed in Manitoba

Dear Moon-eyed,

Saturn V Rocket

Our homegrown tech wizard, Melon Husk, thinks he can do it for about $42M, but it depends on his being able to talk NASA into selling him that Saturn V rocket and moon lander that’s on display at the Johnson Space Center in Houston.  Actually, I’m rooting for the Chinese to successfully send people to the moon and then all go.

Dear Andy,

At the top of your mail bag columns there’s a disclaimer from somebody named Ed.  Who is Ed?

Stuck in Folsom Prison

Dear Stuck,

Ed Sheeran.  Ed Asner.  Ed Sullivan.  Ed McMahon.  One of those.

Dear Andy,

Will Vladimir Putin go to hell?

Pastor Phaster

Dear Pastor,

Yes.  And I hope there’s a special deeper, hotter pit for those who murder children.

And there you have it, people. Now go take a hike! I’ve got some flower to smoke.

Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor 2P News



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