Trying for a No. 2 in Winter

[2P News normally does not do product endorsements or reviews but this development is of such importance that we are making an exception. – Ed.]

Cold winter, frozen toilets can cause some major problems with No. 2s.

EDMONTON, Alberta – It’s one of those extremely cold winter nights and your colon is demanding relief via a No. 2.  However, by the time it exits your anus and hits the bowl it’s frozen solid and when you flush it just stays there, jamming up everything along with a bunch of used paper.  Now there’s an elegant solution:  The Ronco Tirdmaster 3000™.  It combines the best features of a conventional toilet with the solids handling capability of a high-powered kitchen garbage disposal.  The device looks like a tall conventional toilet, but the lower section is a powerful set of grinders that will masticate anything prior to flushing into the sewer or septic system.

PDC Drill Bit

The cutters used in the grinding section are the same polycrystalline diamond compact (PDC) cutters used in some oil field drill bits, so you know they’re tough and long-lived.  A shovelful of quartz gravel was easily reduced to powder and flushed away by the Ronco Tirdmaster 3000™.  Frozen feces are not a challenge at all.

The Ronco Tirdmaster 3000™ has been extensively tested under the harshest conditions such as a field office of Bendovus Petroleum in Yellowknife.  A couple of overly toasted tushies revealed that the electrical connections for the grinder motor needed to be waterproofed and this is now standard.  Testers also found it to be a good idea to vacate the seat prior to flushing; otherwise, a ricochet from the grinder can be quite painful.

Want more?  It can be accessorized with items such as a Febreze dispenser, an electrically heated seat and for areas with no electric service, a plutonium power generator to run the motor and keep bowl water from freezing.  So why are we telling you about this product at the beginning of summer?  This is to allow you time to order the Ronco Tirdmaster 3000™ and get it installed in time for next winter.  Mention 2P News and receive a 10% discount.

The lawyers say we have to disclose that we get a commission.


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