Gentle Readers: This is Sir William Shortspeare returning from a lengthy layoff from writing for 2P News and indeed from most aspects of life. I’ve been recovering from a heart procedure called a Transcatheter Aortic Valve Replacement and the recovery has been slower and more painstaking than expected. (Emphasis on pain.) Now all I have to worry about is my atrial fibrillation. Such is the fate of crazy old farts. I hope to get back to being a regular contributor.
Anyhow, enough about me… here are a few of the statements that you will never, ever, hear said out loud.
Baptist Preacher – “We have plenty of money so I’m not going to bug you to tithe anymore.”
The CEO – “I make too much money. I’m going to take my bonus and split it up among the troops.”
Your wife – “We can have sex whenever and wherever you want.”
The reservoir engineer – “Oh, this boomer of a well that came in at P5? Full credit goes to the geology team on this one. Lest we forget, it’s all about the geology!”
The geophysicist – “Let’s check with the geologist to see if that kind of rock even exists here.”
The geologist – “That might be a reverse fault. Let’s see what the geophysicist says the seismic shows.”
Company reserves engineer – “These PUDs I’m about to book are very, very conservative, but nowhere near as conservative as the 1P reserves.”
Your supervisor – “This discovery was 100% your idea and I will give you all the credit.”
Computer salesman – “Our machine is a piece of crap and you’d be better off buying an abacus.”
Landman – “Another drink? Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly do that. I’m on a new one-drink-per-day regimen with hopes of being completely dry in a few weeks.”
Your doctor – “Tonight have a big, juicy steak with a six-pack of Moosepeace and finish with a cigar.”
Any politician – “Yes, I’m an honest politician. I actually do what you bribe me to do.”
Car salesman – “This is an OK car but you can skip all the extra crap I’m going to try to sell you.”
Fast food clerk – “I spilled your fries on the floor but we just mopped it so they should be OK.”
The yard guy – “My Saturday morning leaf blower is actually a miniature 747 jet engine.”
There you have it. What are some other statements that you’d never expect to hear spoken aloud? Feel free to share in the comments. Cheers!