TORONTO, Ontario – Justin Bieber has done it again. But we’re not talking about the teen pop sensation releasing another international chart-topping hit, but rather that the Bieb has expanded his enterprising horizons by acquiring 72% of struggling Calgary-based Best West Exploration and 100% of Waterloo, Ontario’s beleaguered Blackberry Inc. When asked about these aggressive moves, Mr. Bieber commented as follows:
Yo, yo,… I pretty much have everything any 19 year-old homie could want, yo. I have houses, cars, lots of cars, jewelery, boats, friends, you name, but I never owned an oil and gas or techology company before… until now, you know what I’m sayin? I like helpin’ out Canadian companies, because I’m from Canadiana, yo, and I have some good ideas of what to do with these companies, man… yo. – Mr. Justin Bieber
The Financial Post reported this morning that Bieber’s holdings company shelled out a cool $2.8B in all-cash for a 72% stake in Best West Exploration and just under $320M for Blackberry Inc. (1/2 cash and 1/2 Canadian Tire currency).
According to Mr. Bieber’s press secretary, Susan McTittles, the London, Ontario born superstar plans to hype-up the companies by breathing some life back into them. Life that strongly aligns with Mr. Bieber’s lifestyle.
Mr. Bieber has many homes and vehicles (including cars, SUVs, private jets, helicopters, and yachts) that consume gasoline and diesel. And since Justin is very independent, he likes to fuel his vehicles himself, but having to drive to gas stations are starting to become a pain in his neck. So the idea behind the Best West acquisition is to divert a portion of the company’s oil production to mini-refineries on his properties, where he will be able to fuel his vehicles in the comforts of his own estates.
Miss McTittles continued to say that Mr. Bieber will soon announce an executive restructuring at Best West Exploration that will see a number of new positions created and filled as described below:
- Mark “Twister” McJohnson to be named VP of Awesomeness,
- Cindy “Jigglebutt” Arnason to be named Senior VP of New Dance Moves, and
- OG Mally (Justin’s former monkey) to be named CFO.
Mr. Bieber will make additional sweeping moves throughout the organization, which will include mandating that every elevator in the Best West building play nothing but Justin Bieber hit songs and music videos. Moreover, he plans to rename the company from Best West Exploration to Belieber Energy Corp, and hire former company chairman George Rick as his personal assistant.
Justin’s strategy with the Blackberry acquisition is to regain the company’s market share by creating his own brand of smartphone to rival those from Apple and Samsung. His first plan is to revise the Blackberry operating system and hardcode the handset’s background to a rolling slideshow of Mr. Bieber in some of his favorite poses, and to permanently set the ringtone to the chorus of his chart-topping smash hit “Baby.” Future ringtone and wallpaper updates may be done by mailing your phone to Blackberry and having them update the software for a small fee.
According to Blackberry’s new Chief Technical Officer, and Bieber’s BFF of 2 months, the company is working on brand new apps for the new line of Bieberry devices (yes, he plans to rename the company) that will do everything from blow your hair to one-side and cheering you on in spite of yourself, to showing you how to adopt a pet monkey without any hassle.
I think this is a bold but necessary move for Mr. Bieber. Although his music sales are still strong, they are on a steady exponential decline. So diversifying his portfolio of investments and companies under the umbrella of his holdings company is the only way that he will realize long-term financial growth. And if the rumors are true that he plans to purchase a gold mine and a toothbrush manufacturing plant in China, he will be well on his way to top the Forbes 500 list. – Bruce Pufnagel, Financial Market Analyst and new Belieber