CALGARY, Alberta – Breaking news this morning in Calgary that a large oil and gas sector merger has occurred. It has been announced that Cenovus has adopted a new sled dog, Husky Oil, in a stock-based merger of the two energy titans. This alone is big news in the oil and gas world, but the real story lies beneath the headlines and around coffee shops in Calgary’s downtown core, where 2P News journalists have uncovered the truth.
In a cash-strapped long-term plan, it seems that Cenovus employees have been hanging out in the parkade structures of other oil and gas companies collecting recycling. Over the last 14 months, they have acquired enough bottles and cans to make a significant down payment on a loan, with which to help broker the deal. Apparently, Uncle Murray accepts Budweiser cans and wine bottles as collateral.
“We’ve been hiding behind cars for months waiting for custodial services to bring the bags of recycling down, then we scoop them up and whisk them away on our Lime Scooters back to the office. We have several floors of offices filled to the brim with recycling, we figure about 2-3 million dollars worth. We arrived at tHat number by assigning our production accounting team to the task of evaluating the value of our collection.” – Jim Hograth, Cenovus
There is some truth to the share swapping details the mainstream media is reporting as well, but there has to be so that both companies stay in compliance with trading regulations. Where is gets really good are the details around how the companies arrived at the figures of the deal. It appears there was an in-house, tight hole, super secret competition between all employees of both companies. A competition to see who stays, who goes, and which company gets more of the shares of the other.
“We had cracker races, 5 legged geologist races, landman jello wrestling, and the engineers had to duct tape their heads together and run sideways down a wheelchair ramp while being timed. It was insanity, just like university days.” – Hugh Jarss, Husky Oil
There are rumours abound that the newly merged operator will be formally named Cendusky. The logo is also rumoured to be changing, and will resemble a politically correct Husky sled dog driving a dogsled full of technical staff off a cliff.