REGINA, Saskatchewan (AP) – 967,482 Saskatchewanites have been arrested in connection to events that took place before, during, and after the CFL’s 101st Grey Cup in Regina, held yesterday. The lopsided Riders’ win exacerbated the mayhem that quickly spread from Riders Stadium to all 4 corners of the near-rectangular, and sparsely populated province. An unprecedented 2.3 million charges were laid over a 10 hour period including drunken disorderly, impaired driving, assaulting a peace officer, resisting arrest, romancing a mail box, and lewd acts towards anyone in TiCats colors.
We did it! We won the f%*kin Grey Cup! F^*@k YEAH! Now we’ll see who talkin like a smart mouth out there in whereva you came from! Think you’re sumthin special eh Waterloo? Go back to New Brunswich you teeny faced pansies! Green and white gonna take you to school and ring you out the bell! WHOOHOO! – Riders Fan Club President, Mike Farmer
According to local police, SWAT, RCMP, and personnel from CFB Moosejaw and CFAD Dundurn, not only were people rowdy, but significant efforts were made to build infrastructure to encourage and support drunken stupor and extreme inebriation to levels that would make Mayor Rob Ford look like an angel.
SWAT Helicopter surveillance spotted some sort of makeshift pipeline that terminated at Rider’s Stadium, which was traced back to the Old Style Pilsner brewery in Edmonton, Alberta. We suspect that a group of Riders faithful jerry-rigged the pipeline to ensure a constant supply of Saskatchewan Champagne to the game, seeing as all of the local Pilsner reserves had been completely drained leading up to the game.
And our forensic pipeline engineering consultant from Ripeline Pipelines Inc. told me that “the line was pigged with a large wedge of lime,” but I don’t really know what that means. – Chief Sargent Lieutenant Officer Percy Bandwagon, RCMP
In light of these recent arrests, energy analysts forecast that Saskatchewan Bakken production will plummet to levels only seen in the field’s infancy, thanks to the majority of those in jail being responsible for operating the province’s Bakken fields. And to compound matters, the costs to post bail for all of the field workers is estimated to be $1.7B, a figure that would certainly impact the economics of most of the current Bakken development projects.
We’ve got 97% of our field staff incarcerated in every town from Weyburn to Carievale. We are going to support our staff financially, as they simply wont be able to get back to work if we don’t. We crunched numbers this morning, and between wells down with no operators and the cost of bail and legal fees for these rock star employees, we are going to see a loss of about $142.9 million dollars because of a stupid game. Rider Nation is going to bankrupt this company. – Frank Lemonsheen, CEO DuubleEwe Resources Ltd.
2P News tried to contact premier Brad Wall for a comment on the issue, but was denied by a spokesperson claiming that Mr. Wall had a touch of the flu, and was too sick to chat about the Riders’ win on Sunday.