CALGARY, Alberta – The Province of Alberta announced this morning that the province has gone completely “oil-free.” Well, sort of. A recent certification verifies that the vast majority (over 99.75%) of oil produced from Alberta is now free of everything.
“It has been a shit-show for so long that we just had to do something. We had too many complex issues in our oil. Whether it be Politics, protests, eco warriors, bullying, greed, arrogance, stupidity, bias, ego, and on and on… some at the same time, some not. But we’ve found a way to certify that our oil is now completely free of any encumbrance or stigma. We’ve studied our oil and can now say with confidence that it is 100% free of everything. Steve Pritt, Oil Certification Lead
According to the province’s website, to achieve the “oil-free” certification required putting various grades of crude oil through a battery of tests, and a study of the metrics in upstream oil and gas exploration in Alberta. The results speak for themselves – the oil is truly pure and free from anything you can think of.
The oil is free of politics, as there was no chemical trace of stupidity or arrogance in samples sent to the lab. Tests were conducted using skin and hair samples from public figures, as well as one of Trudeau’s old socks, and there was no DNA markers in the oil suggesting it had been tainted.
A study of the overall industry in 2020 was fairly easy, as there were only 40 employees left working in oil and gas as of November 18th. Of those 40, 8 were caucasian men, 2 of those men identified as women. Nine were women, of which 2 identified as unicorns. Ten of them were of Asian heritage, one of which identifies as caucasian. Six were African-Canadian men, 1 of which identified as Italian, 3 of the staff were Muslim women, and 4 were members of the Canadian First Nations, all 4 of whom identify as Canadian First Nations. This proves without a doubt that what remain of the devastated Alberta oil and gas industry is extremely diverse and 100% bias free, as each of these 40 staff also had their own high rise office tower to themselves.
Saskatchewan Premier Scotty Moe is anxiously awaiting to see how Alberta’s oil-free certification will impact its local, national, and international reputation. He was quoted as saying that, “if our neighbours to the west can do it, so can we. But we’ll better them by going oil and gas free.”