CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary Police Service has arrested and charged 2 area women for assault and uttering death threats after the duo viciously attacked a group of men sitting in a +30 seating area in the Thankers Hall building over the lunch hour yesterday.

One of the men was rushed to a medical area of the security quarters for stitches and the other 3 were treated on the scene for minor injuries.

According to eye-witness accounts, the 2 ladies allegedly saw the men pointing at them and laughing as they walked past the quartet on the +15 level across the courtyard in front of the popular and very busy EarthTerra market. Curious of their behaviour, the women proceeded up to the +45 level to within inconspicuous earshot of the men, where they reported hearing the following as a pretty young woman walked by across the way:

Tommy Pennytwinkle, engineer

Oh man, would you look at that. Would you LOOK AT THAT! – I’d say she’s a 01-10-009-27W4! Yup, West of 4, baby! How would you complete that well? With a slick water multi-staged frack, buddy, you know it! Hahaha” – a quote from one of the men, followed by a round of high 5s.

They women, getting more agitated by the minute, continued to listen, where they claimed that a different man in the group, described as a slender nerdy looking type, allegedly said the following as a rather old, weathered, and well upholstered woman walked past, “Yikes guys, here we have a triple-leg D&A coming in at 2 o’clock. I’m talking a 12-01-002-65W0. Would you guys complete that well? Dude, I’m not sure that I would drill that well with your bit and motor, Alan, let alone complete it! Hahahaha.”

man on escalator
Grainy surveillance footage of man who fell down escalator

It is at that instant that all hell broke loose. Surveillance footage released by the CPS shows one of the women grab 2 fists full of a man’s hair and shake his head until he was unconscious.

She and her friend then picked up a metal trash can and smashed it atop the head of one of the other men, knocking him to the ground dazed and confused.

While one of the men tried to run away, he was dropped kicked in the back causing him to tumble part-way down an up escalator, where the drop kicker was waiting for the drop kickee to get back to the top for round 2 of the savage beating.

Mall cops descended on the scene at this point and separated the 2 women from the 4 men and called for EMS and the real police.

As one of the women was being escorted away in handcuffs, she was heard screaming, “What they hell were they saying? They were laughing at us referring to us as UWIs!!! What the hell is West of 0?! There’s no such thing!! They deserved to be beat up. Let me go, asshole copper!!!!”

The only man who was conscious after the ordeal claims that they were not rating women, but rather planning development of a top-secret field in unknown parts of the world, located West of 0.


  1. Yes, Phil – W4. Use your imagination, be creative, you can do it.

    This is a family friendly news site, so there are some things that we do not write.

    Darcy Flowman


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