CALGARY, Alberta – Sky Hy Engineering and Body Shop, Inc., Calgary, has announced plans to install a fractionating plant on the planet Jupiter by Q3 2018. From that facility, massive pumps would move raw hydrogen to Earth through a carbon fiber reinforced titanium pipeline for use as a bulk source for hydrogen power. Owner Horace Greengrass said the idea came to him halfway through his second case of Moosepeace Beer.
Idjits like Al Gore are always talking about getting rid of fossil fools and replacing them with a ‘hydrogen economy.’ Nobody knows what the hell hydrogen is, much less where to get any. I’m solving the supply problem. – Horace Greengrass, speaking from outside of a Humpty’s in Airdrie, AB
Preliminary engineering is being done by a team from the University of Bologna. Professor Pistaschio Bomballini, team leader, Power-Pointed the project during a press conference at the Leaning Tower of Pisa, an example of fine Italian engineering. His points of power were:
- Jupiter’s atmosphere consists of 88-92% hydrogen, 8-12% helium and trace amounts of methane, ammonia and primordial soup. A fractionating plant will be used to separate the helium and other gases from the hydrogen or else everyone on Earth would wind up sounding like a soprano Donald Duck.
- The fractionating plant will be located at the north pole of Jupiter with the pipeline on a giant swivel. This is so the planet’s rotation will not wind up the pipeline like a ball of twine. The terminus on Earth will be at the north pole for the same reason. This also avoids the problem of running a pipeline through Nebraska.
- Since Jupiter’s enormous gravity would crush even a cockroach, the plant will be manned by retired players from the National Hockey League. The sheer number of pins and supports already surgically implanted should help them withstand the gravity of Jupiter’s gravity. That, and their skull to brain tissue ration is low enough that trace gases and chemicals in the converted atmosphere should not affect their ability to push buttons.
- The average radius of Jupiter’s orbit is 778,547,200 km. The average radius of Earth’s orbit is 149,597,870 km. So, the length of the pipeline will have to vary from 628,949,330 km to 928,145,070 km. The variable length will be accommodated by a shitload of expansion loops.
- Right-of-way through space is free so the expense and delays of landmen are eliminated.
- The problem of getting all that pipe up there has been solved. Each joint of pipe will be filled with solid rocket fuel and consecutively launched into space. After burning all the fuel, the pipe will be hollow once again. All that’s left to do is a bunch of welding and pipe fitting, which can be outsourced to the HazbingD’Ala territory in eastern Iran. A territory ripe with welders used to working on tight schedules, in secrecy, on rockets.
Dr. Bomballini went on to say that there are still problems to be solved but he is confident of success and will get back working on the project right after spring break and the Milan Film Festival. Independent sources suggested that the estimated $76 quadrillion dollar price tag may also present difficulties from an economics point of view.