Gregory Gymnasium Aquatic Complex at the UT (no joke)
Gregory Gymnasium Aquatic Complex at the UT (no joke)

AUSTIN, Texas – Entering university is typically the most daunting point of one’s academic journey – being away from the comforts of home, the tens of thousands of new faces, a multitude of diverse ethnic backgrounds, and a sprawling campus comprising any number of buildings are just a few things that can instill fear in freshman classes across North America. But one Texas university is looking to help quell these fears, as they pertain to potential language barriers.

The University of Texas at Austin announced today that on all its campuses it is introducing language classes for recent arrivals to the state. The purpose is to teach students enough Texas dialect to avoid major ass-kickings administered by the natives.

Professor of Modern Languages Lochter Z. Proctor will develop the curriculum and write the course notes. At a press conference he said,

The course will focus exclusively on idioms and pronunciation. Other things that will get your ass kicked, like liberal politics, are outside the scope of the course.

The ass-kicking situation is most acute in areas with significant oil and gas activity. Dr. Proctor related the sad story of a fellow from Michigan. “He was in line at a Taco Bell in Odessa and told the server that he didn’t want any jalapeños on his tacos, only he pronounced it ‘jah-lap-in-noes’.

He was immediately seized by three roughnecks who kicked his ass and then stuffed a dozen jalapeños and a couple of habaneros up his nose. His sense of smell was permanently destroyed.

Dr. Rightenback, P.Chiro.
Dr. Proctor, 5th generation native Texan

For a majority of Texans, the three meals of the day are breakfast, dinner and supper. A newbie may misinterpret an invitation to dinner and show up in the evening rather than at noon. This is a relatively minor offense but a second occurrence will likely lead to an ass-kicking. – Dr. Proctor, Ph.D.

Dr. Proctor went on to say that perhaps his hardest task is to train Canadians to drop that annoying “eh” they like to add at the end of sentences and pronouncing words like “out” as “oot”. He cautioned, “Just one ‘eh’ and they may as well paint a bullseye on their own foreheads.”

When reminded by a reporter that there are significant differences in accents and wording even within Texas, he responded,

Don’t make no nevermind. East Texas, West Texas, as long as it’s Texas no one will bother you. We make allowances for our own.

Well, perhaps save for those turkeys over at Texas A&M, they call themselves Texans, but if you spent even a minute with them folk, especially those in the petroleum engineering/geosciences departments, you’ll see that they aren’t like normal Texans.

Remarkably, persons sporting an English accent, such as your intrepid correspondent, do not experience the problem unless they are blatant poofters.


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