HOUSTON, Texas – Spin Rock Resources, a startup oil company founded by billionaire oil magnate Tex Avery, recently applied to the Texas Oil and Gas Commission to implement a novel oil recovery pilot.
The Houston-based company believes that its new quaternary recovery scheme will extract oil in the most efficient and effective process possible. The company’s preliminary geomodels and lab tests show that oil recoveries in the 80-90% range should be easily achievable. The company’s Chief Reservoir Engineer describes the technology.
We all know that primary recovery relies on Mother Nature, that’s all nice and stuff, but she’s weak. Secondary recovery methods help by forcing water into the ground to push more oil out – boring. Tertiary recovery improves on secondary methods by using chemicals to reduce the residual oil saturations – *yaaawn*.
Our new quaternary techniques will physically accelerate the oil out of the ground using centrifugal forces. How will we achieve this? Easy, by spinning the earth faster about its axis. – Mr. Rufus Boonhalo, Chief Reservoir Engineer, Spin Rock
When asked exactly how the company will increase the speed of the Earth’s rotation, Mr. Boonhalo was not exactly sure, but 2P News reporter Rodecker Smith overheard him saying something about aligning all of the wind turbines in North America after turning them into fans.
According to an investment brochure that the company made available at an investors open house, it determined that if the Earth’s rotational speed is increased by factor of 4, that will allow oil, water, and even some gas to be flung out of existing well bores, once they have been opened up.
The company has official lab tests to support its new extraction theory, as explained by its head of R&D.
Myself and an engineering intern student took apart a standard 14″ globe, filled it with sponge to model the reservoir, reassembled it and then pumped it full of 10W30 motor oil. Next, the intern drilled a number of 1/4″ holes throughout the globe. These holes model the well bores. We affixed the globe to a spinning platform device, and spun it at a slow speed, and nothing happened. But then we cranked that sucker on high, and… ummm… that motor oil that was inside the globe, found its way outside of the globe and onto the lab walls. It made a mess, but we proved that the theory works. – Dr. Shinery, R&D lead
Opponents to the proposed pilot do not doubt the recovery method will work, but they are concerned of the general ramifications that speeding up the earth’s rotation may have on society.
If they speed up the earth’s rotation by a factor of 4, then a day would shorten down to something like 6 hours. There is no way in hell that I’ll be able to get in a full 8-hour shift in that new system. And what about the impacts it will have on gravity. There’ll be more things than just oil wanting to leave the earth. Have these guys even though about that? I think not. So that’s where my concerns lie. – Meegan Appleson, junior geologist and environmental scientist.
When asked exactly how the oil will be produced once it is flung out of the reservoirs, not just in Midland, but all over the world, the company’s CEO shrugged his shoulders and said, “We have yet to think that far ahead, but I’m thinking we’ll need some sort of catching mechanism.”