HOUSTON, Texas – In a surprise announcement from TexxonMogul headquarters in Houston, long-serving Chief Executive Officer Max Avarice will retire at the end of 2022. This is despite his vow to remain as CEO until he died at his desk, something his rivals have been trying to expedite for years. Mr. Avarice has not given any explanation for his change of heart, but the 75-year-old executive has long been rumoured to have health problems. His bulging pants suggest he wears adult diapers, and he is well-known for emitting eye-watering farts.
The magazine The Ecomonist estimates that Avarice has accumulated a fortune of over one billion dollars from salary, bonuses, stock options and outright thefts. He has successfully defended his stash from ex-wives, mistresses and illegitimate children. Charitable organizations were regularly invited to make presentations to him seeking a donation, but it was only so he could laugh in their faces.
Buford Bigass, owner and CEO of Bigass Oil Company in Dallas said, “That old son of a bitch’s idea of a good deal is when he’s completely screwed over the other party. I hope I live long enough to piss on his grave.” Although he is loath to admit it, Mr. Bigass and many of his fellow mid-size oil company owners are screwees.
Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, CEO of Bendovus Energy in Calgary, had a somewhat different reaction. “I’ll miss outwitting the bastard. I have to admit that he sure knows how to intimidate people. I met with him only once in his office and he had a Tommy gun lying on his desk pointed at me. That was unnerving enough, but the whole time I was there he was farting. I never set foot in there again.”
Sir Nigel Lord Puffington-Cheapsborough, CEO of Regal Douche Shill in London, commented, “It was always amusing to hear what outrageous behavior he had most recently engaged in. I am a trustee of the Imperial War Museum in London and I was intrigued by his purchase of an atomic cannon [2P News, January 6, 2021] and placing it on the front lawn of his headquarters building. It was sited such that it appeared to be pointed at the Houston headquarters of ComicalPhilistine Oil Co.”
Speculation began immediately as to who might succeed Mr. Avarice. It is rumoured that in true Avarice fashion he is taking bids from his underlings. The person with the high bid will get his endorsement to the Board of Directors.