CALGARY, Alberta – It is no secret that the CRTC in Canada has a death grip on what gets published in our country. Be it radio, television, printed medium, or the internet. At the end of a 3 month ‘mandatory discussion’ with the CRTC ICB (Internet Censorship Board), Calgary-based 2P News is being forced to reduce its publication load to 3 days per work week, with the caveat that the news blog darling can continue to flog social media for all it’s worth with older content.
The decision comes after Niles Tightbugger, CRTC ICB director, was alerted to 2P News and the continuous, unrelenting badgering of his friends and colleagues. 2P News editors apparently had no idea who this Tightbugger was at the time, but it turns out he is Alison Redford’s cousin, Trudeau’s skiing buddy, Rob Ford’s old college drinking partner, and of course, he just had to be related to Jim Prentice (by gay marriage, only recognized in the state of California).
This Tightbugger really put the screws to us over here at 2P. We just want to entertain people and this Tightbugger won’t even let us do that. He actually wrote a line in the new mandate that “2P News is to cease and desist the incessant ridiculousness and tomfoolery, specifically as it pertains to political and powerful leaders within Canadian society.”
What a jackass. Every topic we cover has its place. And we keep it fairly light, just a good ribbing now and again. Tightbugger wants us to be the damn Globe & Mail, or CBC, and guess what? Never gonna happen. We are far to awesome. – Antoine McGuillicuddy, over lunch at Holy Smoke BBQ (@HolySmokebarbq)
The court ordered publication mandate comes on the heels of tears shed by upper class Canadians as they fall from public grace.
Scandal, addiction, and embezzlement were not enough, and when the editors of 2P News pushed a little bit, the crying got loud enough that Tightbugger heard it loud and clear. The CRTC ICB swiftly moved to tighten the publication freedoms enjoyed by 2P News, ensuring they could no longer publish more than three fresh articles per week. The first of its kind, Tightbugger claims it is not a slippery slope.
I want to assure other media blogs and new sites that we are not the bad guys here. This motley crew of idiots claiming to be professionals were ruining our society and painting the public face of Canada an ugly shade of stupid. We had to end it. I mean really, do we want to world reading about how stupid our engineers are? Or our catastrophic pipeline designs? Good riddance! – Mr. Tightbugger, CRTC ICB
When asked for a comment on the state of their publication, Darcy Flowman took time out of his busy drinking schedule to step outside for a quick interview,
I am completely disappointed at this CRTC ruling. Once I heard the news, I called the CRTC Support Line, and some jive turkey over there told me that they conducted a short survey that concluded that 87% of 2P regular readers are 99% less smart than they were before they started reading 2P. And 100% of non 2P readers may not be smarter after some time, but it’s not because of 2P News content. That’s part of the BS reasoning that they gave me behind the ruling. This is nuts.
What are we going to do with our busy staff? We can’t let Yu Mii go because she is super hot. Cynthia Redbush? Are you kidding me?! She’s so meow that she makes me want to strangle a 3-legged Burmese mountain goat with my bare hands. Sir William Shortspeare is the only staff member in our Orange County, California office, so we need him, even though he’s a bit strange. Rodecker Smith is my main man, so he’s staying. So it looks like we might have to let our Staff Counsellor Andy Killinger go. It’ll be a sad day, but that’s just part of the business. – Darcy outside of Dixons Public House @Dixons_yyc
The CRTC also stated that it may reverse its ruling and allow 2P News to reinstate its regular 5 day-a-week publishing cycle provided it can prove to the CRTC, George Snuffleupagus, and Prime Minister Harper that it is no longer dragging down the country’s average IQ.
Many of my clients pay extra for me to maintain a death grip. And the handcuffs? That’s extra too.
Errrrr… yeah… I’m not sure whether to laugh or report you to some authority.
are you guys serious, or is this satire on satire?
Yes. No. I hope that answers your questions.
I am not a bit strange. I am eccentric.
That is exactly the reply I expect from a smug British person. I think it’s tea and crumpets time for you, fine sir.