CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News reported earlier this week the development of a geologically oriented computer by Silicon Magic Inc. (SMI) of Palo Mino, California. Staff reporter Yu Mii has learned that Apple has launched a competitive product targeted for use exclusively by engineers in the oil and gas industry.
According to information leaked to Yu Mii by a source who is close to Apple CEO Tim Cook, the new machine is destined to take its place among the greatest achievements in history. With full public release a few months away and the final touches being done in the Fruit Labs, not much information has been made available until now. Along with what Mr. Cook describes as a super-slick new hardbody shell and a dynamite set of interior chips, the preliminary specifications and features of the new iEng machine include the following:
- Spelling, grammar, sentence structure, and excessive numbering checks are mandatory, not optional.
- Automatic back-up to the cloud is pre-installed and functioning right out of the box.
- A firewall and virus scanner is also pre-installed. Engineers have a predisposition to browsing physics and quantum theory conspiracy websites of which 89% have been deemed virus and malware intensive by McGoo Security.
- The iEng machines are constructed of a soft, memory foam like material so as not to inhibit sleep when an engineer passes out at his workstation, or takes his computer ‘Marcy’ to bed with him.
- The keyboard has 458 micro keys instead of the typical American keyboard layout. Many of these keys have macro scripted mathematical functions and are all but indecipherable to anyone without a masters in engineering. While small, tests found that most engineers two-finger typed anyway, and the added use of chopsticks would not inhibit their work completion timetables.
- Software is open source and can be updated by the user, as well as coded by the user, and all functions are available for alteration or removal. Engineers like to tinker with things that they shouldn’t touch, and as a sales focus for engineers, Apple will for the first time ever allow the end user to fudge with its strict system design.
Apple’s chief designer on the iEng project, Amadden Kristoff Jones, was sure the design will help engineers around the globe make grey strides in productivity and competence, especially when relived of the pesky letter keys and the need to think about sentence construction and grammar. He explains,
If we allow the engineers to do what they do best and just compute things, the industry gets streamlined. No more random mumbling about verbs, no more missed prepositions or misplaced proper nouns, and no more struggling with spelling. Just let them do the work. The iEng is just what they need to get more down without all the useless hassle of language, because we all know that most engineers are inept with human communication in any form. – Amadden Kristoff Jones, designer
The Cupertino, California-based company plans to formally rollout its new iEng in tandem with the iPhone 8 Plus in early 2016. Pre-orders are already available, however, and 3 staff engineers from Bendovus Energy have already painted their sleeping stations outside the entrance to the Apple Store in Market Mall, Calgary.
Can you introduce me to Tim Cook?
You’d have to ask Yu Mii, she’s the one who was down in SoCal hanging out with that whiz kid.