CALGARY, Alberta – The President and CEO of the Enkarma Corporation, arguably Canada’s largest oil and gas company, held a conference on the weekend in California to set the record straight about his stance on Anthropogenic Climate Change.
And with great fanfair, mountains of food, buckets of alcohol, and about 15,000 people in attendance, he gave the following statement.
I agree the with this climate change stuff. All of it. Every time I see a speech or a man talking about it, I just can’t believe others do not see the truth of it. Climate Change is so obvious to me that I cannot believe others deny it.
The climate changes every day, sometimes two or three times a day in Calgary. And yet they deny it. I see the climate man Joanathan Shnitzel each morning and he seems to know what the climate is going to be in advance.
And based on my new found knowledge, I am going to do everything in my power to combat this changing climate each and every day. – Don Scuttles, Enkarma CEO
Following his brief public and somewhat embarassing statement, a slideshow of Enkarma’s new Anti-AGW policy was played on the stadium screens for attendees. The plan involved ideas that include pumping heated air into the atmosphere on cold days, and if it got to hot outside, dispensing plumes of dehydrated soy flour into the atmosphere to block the Sun.
If it rained too much they would deploy giant rolls of ShamWows to soak up the water and prevent flooding. On days it did not rain, the company would activate giant sprinklers from the top of the Beau Tower and shower all of Calgary with a cool mist. Of course these measures were just the tip of the iceberg, but more than enough to get the crowd riled up.
He had to be kidding right? Really? This is the world’s biggest joke right? I knew that those oil ands guys were stupid but this is beyond rational thought! Giant sprinklers and soy flour? I actually can’t wait. Hollywood couldn’t write a disaster movie this bad. – Jenny Frumpgut, Sierra Club Canada
The plan rolls out into operational capacity this spring once the flour ejectors and sprinklers are installed on the Beau. Other plans such as the atmospheric heaters and ShamWows are going to take longer to procure, and may not be in operation until late in the second quarter of 2015.
While budgetary limits are being stretched this year, the plummeting price of oil only serves to spur EnKarma on in its eco-endeavors.
Hopefully, this will be the crescendo of a tired and always stunningly over the top performance by Enkarma.