CALGARY, Texas of the North – In an effort to improve its exploration well success rate, Calgary, Alberta-based Bendovus Energy recently hired Madam Olga Rasputin, the famous Astrologer to the Semi-Famous.
She will determine the optimum spud dates and times of day for all exploration wells drilled by Bendovus, much like doing a horoscope for people based on birth date. She is also an expert phrenologist and intends to use that skill to identify the best explorationists. However, in several test runs with company geologists she said she found too many soft spots and abnormal growths (including sub-dermal horns) on their skulls to make a meaningful interpretation.
A transcript from one of Madam Rasputin’s astrology assessments held in the basement of the company’s Beau Building was illegally recorded by an unnamed 2P News reporter and has been transcribed below:
- MOR: Sooooo, Mr. Renamio, you say that you are a geologist, do you?
- Geologist: Yes, I am a highly qualified exploration geologist who is well paid.
- MOR: Gooooood, good, good. You made it from your home to the office this morning, and for you, that was quite a challenge to over come. Goooood, gooood, good. I don’t seem to sense much when I pass my hand over your forehead. I typically can feel an energy, an energy that implies a knowledge of where to find oil. Are you there, Mr. Renamio, are you there? [Yes] Gooooood, gooood, good.
At that point in the assessment, the Dictaphone’s battery ran out and we have no knowledge of how it ended.
Ms. Rasputin’s credentials include a stint with the U. S. Federal Reserve Bank in New York, piloting a nuclear-powered glider from Moscow to Beijing and serving in the Russian KGB, rising to the rank of colonel. She received a degree in Belligerence and Clandestine Operations from Leningrad Polytechnik and a masters in International Destabilization from the Warsaw Institute of Criminal Ventures.
After finally realizing there’s no money in true communism, she defected to the U. S. A. and began her study of astrology. As a trained agent provocateur she was a natural.
Bendovus’s Manager of Exploration, Truss Dartboard, said,
We’re counting on not only a huge increase in production, but also a reliable prediction of reserves. I fully expect Madam Olga’s reserve predictions to be far more accurate than the random numbers those dipshit reservoir engineers come up with. After I threw away their dartboard, they seem to rely on homeopathic quantum psychokinesis and everybody knows that doesn’t work. – Truss Dartboard, manager
When asked what brought on this new direction for the company, Mr. Dartboard continued,
It’s the result of our experience with replacing the chemical treatments supplied by the PetroHeavi division of Fakit Huge. Our newly created Alchemy Department came up with concoctions that were far cheaper and more effective. It was remarkable and this success led us to explore other ‘non-traditional’ methodologies. We also tried reading goat entrails but that got us in trouble with the animal rights people.
There have been failures, though. Mr. Dartboard also noted that Bendovus had previously used a feng shui consultant to design drill sites with proper alignments but this resulted in no discernible improvement in success rates. It turned out that too many Bendovus employees are bipolar and that messes up the yang and yin right up the yingyang. A similar venture by competitor Cheaterson Energy venture was the adoption of psychic television marvel Theresa Caputo failed miserably and was ultimately deemed to be as bad of an investment as seismic. If Bendovus gamble works as planned, it could also be a huge step forward for community relation between the lovey dovey GreenPeace Sierra Club crowd and the oil and gas industry, as 98% of their membership the makes use of, or earns a living in the astrology industry.