“My name is Marvin McGlavin. I’m a 2nd-tier team lead at an intermediate oil and gas company in downtown Calgary. At a town hall last week the CEO told the entire staff that there’s no corporate Stampede party this year and there is zero budget for any Stampede related activities. But with my recent promotion to team lead, I really want to impress the team and have some fun. What should I do?”
Dear Marvin: So you’re a 2nd-tier team lead, huh? That probably means that you report to a team lead and you have team leads reporting to you, and that of course translates into you being a very important and highly valued employee – what would the industry do without team leads?! I miss the days of working for great companies with flat org structures like yours. Anyhow… here’s the deal, Marv. So you have a new team and you want to party this Stampede but have no cash? Fear not. This isn’t my first rodeo with limited funds during Stampede time and I’m sure that the advice below will help you impress without the company noticing a penny of G&A spent on the Greatest Show on Earth. And after the Stampede is done, you’re likely going to need to see my advice on Stampede hangover cures.
1) Inspector Imposter: This technique can be risky, and it will require that you and your team do some actin’. Have the team volunteer as security at one of the big tents. Once the party is well under way, you and your team disguise yourselves as City of Calgary Food Inspectors and then visit all of the beer booths asking to sample beer for food quality (after showing your Driver’s License as official ID). Ask for 20oz pints, because that’s the size where most of the bacteria will be present. The beauty of this trick is that without security, the tent will get overcrowded by the time you guys are plastered, so you can duck out without incident.
2) The Party Crasher: People crash weddings. People crash house parties. People crash computers and cars. So why not crash corporate Stampede parties? You’ll need someone on the inside of a company that is having a Stampede party to register as people who she knows will be out of the office during the party. She then passes the admission and drink tickets to you and your team, and Bob’s your uncle, twice removed. Once you’re in there, obscure the name tag and make sure you answer to your new name. I strongly recommend that you do this while the party is well underway because people are far less likely to figure out that the 24 year-old bombshell named Cindy on your team is not a 57 year-old dude named Hector from Guatemala who works the mailroom.
3) The N Factor: Everybody loves his Majesty Sir Naheed Nenshi, right? He was recently named the best mayor in the known universe and he pretty much has carte blanche at any establishment in our dear city. So what is better than one Mayor Nenshi? Easy. A whole bunch of them. Now stay with me, here. Head down to the dollar store and by as many Naheed Nenshi masks as you need for your team. Strap them on, wear purple (if kids don’t mistake you for Barney, put on more purple), and before you know it, y’all will be handed champagne, beer, and all-beef hot dogs all day long. Done. Just be careful with this technique, because you can expect to have the paparazzi follow you around all day and hot guys bugging you to have their photo taken with you.
So there you go, Marv. You and your team have a number of ways that will allow you to enjoy the best that the Stampede has to offer, and you don’t need to spend any money. And if you succeed with this endeavor just imagine, you might even get promoted to a 3rd-tier team lead before long. Have a blast, and remember that I and my employer 2P News accept no responsibility or liability for any consequences of your actions. And as usual, our readers might also have some ideas of their own that they may care to share below in the comments.
Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor