CALGARY, Alberta – Independent landman Rip Van Wanker was badly injured during a full-contact beer pong contest at a now-closed Hooters Restaurant in Calgary and had been in a coma for the last eighteen months.
Miraculously, he began to show signs of consciousness and doctors were able to bring him to full cognizance with a few well-placed slaps and the threat of a colonoscopy. It was necessary for him to remain in the hospital and begin intensive physical therapy to restore muscle tone that had atrophied while bedridden for so long.
In addition to watching news programs on television, hospital staff supplied him with old magazines and other reading material to help him catch up with what has been going on in the world.
Strangely, Mr. Van Wanker had very few friends and family come to visit, but then he is a landman and wouldn’t have many friends. None of his three ex-wives made an appearance and his current wife moved to Toronto with an old boyfriend after cleaning out his bank accounts, even the one he thought she didn’t know about.
With diligent reading and viewing, in short order he discovered that:
- His private hospital bill is $3,492,529.34 and rapidly rising.
- The price of oil has dropped to below US$30/barrel.
- The price of Moosepeace beer has increased to above $1200/barrel.
- Most of his clients are bankrupt.
- All his creditors are suing.
- The NDP is now in charge of Alberta.
- The Liberal Party is now in charge of Canada.
- The Flames still suck.
The shock of all this was too great for him in his weakened condition and he began to lose consciousness despite the best efforts of the hospital staff. It is unconfirmed, but a nurse reported that his last words before relapsing back into a full coma were, “Don’t even try to wake me up until oil hits $100 a barrel.”
I have some techniques that will arouse any man, but if he’s broke, forget it.