CALGARY, Alberta – In a much-appreciated scientific breakthrough, scientists at the University of Calgary announced that they have discovered that the mineral borite is just as effective as docilite in maintaining civility among Canadian citizens. The good news is that there is a massive deposit of borite in Canada. The bad news is that it’s on First Nations land. Representatives have already announced that the royalty for mining borite will be 95%. To quote Chief Wahoo, “This time we scalpum white devils but good!” Economists predict that the cost of borite will add a half point to the inflation rate.
Mineralogists report that the two substances are quite similar in chemical composition and crystallography. It would appear that lithium is the key active element.
As was reported earlier [Docilite Supply Nearly Gone – Canada in Peril, February 9, 2021], the genteel lifestyle of most Canadians would change dramatically if docilite were no longer available to be added to the food and drink supply. Despite Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s vow to “toughen up” Canada [2P News, February 3, 2022], our independent polls taken in downtown Calgary bars and strip clubs show that most Canadians like things the way they are.
Moosepeace Beer CEO M. Pierre Francais-Allemagne chimed in with “I keep telling you cochons that this mineral addition is so unnecessary. All it takes to achieve the same effect is an additional one or two cans of Moosepeace. Canadians will have to choose whether to send the extra money to First Nations or to me.” He went on to say that he would concentrate his future insults on First Nations so they will be so angry they won’t make any kind of a deal with a mining company.
Dr. Bob McKenzie, who is leading a team developing a synthetic docilite, is quite put out at this new development. When quizzed about borite, all he could say was, “Well, crap. And I don’t mean the pure crap that we’re also trying to develop. [2P News, June 17, 2022.]”