Governor Brown. Yes, this is really him.
Governor Brown. Yes, this is really him.

SACRAMENTO, California – California governor Jerry “God I’m Old as God” Brown announced today that beginning next year oil and gas companies will have to pay state royalties, fees and ad valorem taxes in U. S. gold coins. Governor Brown explained,

“We will count the value of each coin only at face value. That is, a one-ounce coin that sells for about $1,100 on the open market has a face value of $50 and that’s all it will count. For example, a tax bill of $1000 will have to be paid with 20 one-ounce coins. The state will then re-sell the coins to dealers and the public at market value and make out like a bandit. Goodbye to budget deficits forever!”

When questioned about the fairness of a de facto 2,200% increase in oil company taxes, he replied, “Yeah, like somebody in blue-state California is going to shed a tear for the oil and gas industry. If they start whining about how unfair it is for us to single them out for this abuse, I’ll tell them to go ahead and file all the lawsuits they want. I’ve packed the state courts with my commie buddies and a suit will get nowhere fast. And they can forget about the federal courts as well. We’ll drag out the appeals so long that by the time it hits the Supreme Court, President Hillary Clinton will have packed it with even more commies as well. End of story.”

Mr. Spiro Chete, CIPA representative and tonsorial pacesetter
Mr. Spiro Chete, CIPA representative and tonsorial pacesetter

As may be expected, the oil and gas industry reacted vehemently.  California Independent Producers Association representative Spiro Chete responded,

“That old fart Brown thinks he’s got us over a barrel. (Ha, ha!) If this blatant theft actually goes forward, we’ll close every refinery and gas station in California and his hippie dope-fiend friends can walk or ride their bicycles, hoverboards, surfboards and skateboards everywhere. By the way, where do those jack-offs on bicycles get those clown suits they wear?  They look like a bunch of Shriners at a circus.”

Every lawyer in California is drooling over the prospect of a long, costly legal battle involving participants with deep pockets.  Hubert Scheister of the California State Bar Association said, “The Mercedes-Benz, Porsche and Ferrari dealers are already backlogged. Divorce proceedings for lawyers have suddenly spiked upward in anticipation of cutting the old spouses out of the bonanza. Holy crap, this is going to be great!”



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